Peace

Sunlight caresses the surface of the lake, Its diamond waters cold yet inviting. The mountains stretch up to greet the heavens, proudly displaying their many shades of green. Starlings dart; rabbits scamper while shoals of fish glide and kiss expanding water ripples. Blue, blue sky… Endless and endearing. I feel at peace in my wondrous […]

Shadows

I am proud of myself for returning to work. It hasn’t been easy, particularly the first few days, and of course I still have my moments of grief. But being busy is good. Some of the pupils and staff have been so lovely. What struck me most about the funeral and what I haven’t written […]

A month

Thirty days of sadness. Thirty days of pain. Thirty days of knowing things will never be the same. Thirty days of crying. Thirty days of numb. Thirty days of waiting for someone who’ll never come. Over thirty years of tenderness, Over thirty years of care, Over thirty years of knowing that you always have been […]

Chaos

I’ve been back to the doctors today and he’s given me another week off. He listened to me sympathetically (he is an amazing GP by the way) and took the bombardment of what I felt was a pretty confusing description, and said that I had a ‘chaotic mind’. It’s pretty spot on. Brace yourself… I’m […]

Dad’s absence is a great-gaping hole in my heart, my life, my home. I feel like all my senses are on high alert, awaiting his return. My heartache is a yearning for any familiar sounds, anything that can disprove this inevitable truth. I wonder where this yearning-not-believing comes from. With Dad being in and out […]

From the heart

And so I continue on, heavy hearted. At the moment all I want to do is sleep but that’s difficult with three children and a funeral to arrange. The funeral is tomorrow. It still doesn’t seem real at the moment. When I knew that there was a chance Dad would die this time, I spoke […]

Denial

Please note that this post contains details about death. Please do not read if you feel this could be upsetting to you. It’s been just over a week since Dad died. I can write that, say that, with only a slight twinge in my chest; not because a week is sufficient time to process that […]

My friend once told me that if she could have any dad, not having had one herself for most of her life, she would choose my dad. He has been a perfect dad in so many ways. Teaching us to catch a ball, sat facing each other in the living room: throwing and catching, throwing […]

Grief and self preservation

Feeling very numb. My head is aching from the strain of trying to convince myself that he is gone and not coming back. Self preservation is a powerful thing. And then, when it does sink in for a moment, I can’t breathe and I lose every thought but the grief of losing him, my crying […]

Secret garden

I had an ever-expanding play area as a child. First there was the back yard, flanked on three sides by buildings and walls and on the final by a rustic fence made by dad (everything my dad makes is rustic). The yard was a patchwork of red brick and I remember a time when my […]