Holiday

I’ve had a lovely evening watching a film with my sister. You know the type: it’s cold and windy outside; the fire is on, the fairy lights are twinkling; you get comfy on the couch with a blanket across your legs and drink tea and eat chocolate. My sisters have been going on about The […]

Self esteem

As regular readers will know, and anyone who is on the plumpscious side will understand, being overweight seriously messes with your self esteem. This obviously creates a myriad of problems and for me, in a cruel irony, makes it even less likely for me to lose weight: I’m an emotional Over-eater, a ‘might as well […]

Crush

You’ve awoken feelings in my head and body, Feelings long forgotten. Feelings I questioned had even existed. My mind has floated on daydreams all day; Imagining the impossible. Although it is you that has awoken this sleeping entity within me, and you that I fantasise about as my mind wanders pleasurably, It’s the incredulity that […]

Coincidence

For the second night in a row I’m struggling to sleep. True, I’ve not slept in my own bed for the past two nights but I’m tired enough and unwell enough that this shouldn’t matter. I’m on a residential course for work and it’s been really inspiring. It’s been nice to focus positively on my […]

Immersion

A lump in my throat and a damn in my eyes. I carry the pain in my chest. It heightens my nerves, my anxiety. I bustle on – room to room, job to job. I exist on coffee and adrenaline, searching for a cure. Nothing helps. So I give in. I sit alone in the […]

Possibilities

Wow. It is amazing when your mind, even for a short time, is occupied by something other. When your heart beats in your chest for another reason than grief. I’ve met him twice now. He’s from an external agency, so he is not somebody I will see frequently. Which of course, is an absolute shame. […]

Missing

Today is the 8th of November. Yesterday was the 7th. And I missed it, somehow. Dad died five months ago yesterday. Where has that time gone? Five months of not being near him. Madness. But, the thing is, I forgot about it. Not that I forgot him; the knowledge of his death is a recurring […]

Nothing

Nothing to write. The sun rises and falls, the moon disappears and appears. The hands move around the clock. I sleep, wake, eat, drink, work, clean, mother. Some days I am happier. I laugh a little, make an effort to smile… Care. Most days, the shine has gone from my life. I put one foot […]

The woman in the green coat

I sometimes feel like my life is one long drama. Is it the way I react to things? Or have I just been unlucky? I’m even at the point where I feel paranoid about it. Do work colleagues look at me and think, here she goes again? What is it this time? I don’t want […]

From the heart – questions of grief

I find it ironic that I started my blog when I felt I was about to start a new chapter in my life. My marriage was over, lost forever, and whilst I believed (and still do believe) that it was the right decision, the time is marked by sadness and grief but also wonder and […]