Anger and relief

As I said in my previous post, things with Wild Card were getting steadily better.

I told him I was worrying about him because he wasn’t himself. He said he was ok. We had a couple of good conversations, but equally, there were a couple when he was quiet and snappy again. I think what actually turned the tables was when he conversed with my youngest – he was his typical, animated and charming self. Half an hour later, he was not like that with me. Realisation dawned.

I know there have been other things going on in his life. And maybe that is affecting his mood and his reaction to me. I understand that. I wish I knew more about it to understand more but that’s his choice. But what was clear, is that he could turn off that ‘mood’ when he wanted. He could be normal with my son – jovial and happy – no matter what he was feeling. And I am grateful for that. Maybe he felt like he didn’t need to pretend with me. Or, maybe, the whole mood was because of me. Despite my apologies and tears and regret, he was still angry.

So, I got angry. Not a loss of temper as such, I didn’t start shouting or anything, but I challenged him. We didn’t argue but there were words. And then a hasty goodnight.

Half an hour later, I had to text for my own sanity. I told him I didn’t want to fight anymore and I just wanted to feel his love. Could he love me like before again.

His reply?

“Are you crazy? You know I love you.”

I asked him if he was still angry and he said he didn’t know. Which of course means yes. The text exchange ended relatively positively.

Yesterday, for the most part, things were back to normal. I was relieved. I felt like I was myself again. It had cleared the air, somehow. We had an evening of joking and laughing again. I was happy.

Today? Well. I am happy. But I’m pensive.

Is it OK that he took a week to come down from this? Did I deserve that? Should I respect his feelings and accept that people take longer to process this stuff than me?

What am I doing? Am I blinded? Are we really as suitable for each other as I want to believe?

How much has Covid and everything help contributed to this moment? Are my expectations too high or is my mood too low?

I long for him. I long for the day that I am next to him again.

But I can’t deny that there is a part of me that’s hurting too.

A pondering update

Things have slowly got better with Wild Card as the days have gone on. He actually called me yesterday morning on his way to and from work – like he normally does – and I had not been convinced that he would. I’ve had kisses at the end of calls and even a return to some of the teasing and joking – last night in particular, he called in a great mood and I felt the world was right again.

Today, however, he has been quiet again. We had a brief chat this morning and then I called this afternoon. He was sleepy, not very chatty, but OK.

And I suppose this is the problem now. Is it the first time I’ve called and he has been sleepy and not chatty? Absolutely not. It happens relatively often- particularly at the weekend. And who can forget the stress-fest that was Ramadan? But now, every nuance of potential negativity takes on a whole new meaning.

Of course, you know I am an avid over -analyser. He’s either sulking and hurt, sulking and teaching me a lesson, or has other things on his mind too. And yes, I have asked. He won’t answer.

Which is childish, I know. I wonder if he is thinking our relationship is not working despite trying to rebuild, but he is just not feeling it anymore. Yet, at present, he is still answering calls, still keeping me on the phone, still calling me – albeit a little less perhaps.

I’ve talked to my sisters and my best friend. I have been brutally honest. I’ve made it clear that whilst the first ‘mistake’ wasn’t that big of a lie – more an amalgamation of two actions to make explanation clearer – my subsequent behaviour was out and out lying. I panicked. I tried repeatedly to cover up my mistake out of fear. I was wrong.

As you can probably imagine, they are very supportive of me. They think that he is over-reacting and that my inital comment was not worth the grilling I got. I didn’t lie about anything major. And as I have apologised, profusely, he needs to just get over it.

I don’t know. He knows I am not a liar and it was out of character. That made him believe I was actually hiding something when I wasn’t. I know how that feels and it is awful. I let him down. He was- is – upset. I get that.

But what else can I do? And you know, this was a first offence. If he can’t get over this… well, there’s nothing I can do. I’ve asked and he has said exactly that, nothing. I’ve made it very clear that I love him and want him and I will not do it again. There are no other hoops I can jump through.

My youngest sister, the one who has always been supportive and likes Wild Card, asked if this is what I really want. Is his reaction worth it for something so trival? She also believes that there is probably more going on in his life that is affecting him. I know there has been, although he has never told me what. Maybe I was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. Should I worry that he doesn’t always share these details? He has no obligation to and has confided in me from time to time.

Fact is, things will get better or they won’t. If I am the problem, he will forgive and forget or he won’t. And if he doesn’t – no matter how much this pains me to say it- do I really want to be with someone who behaves like that? I’m not a bad person. And relationships are about forgiveness and acceptance – getting to know someone is about getting to know their faults and deciding if they outweigh the positives. Knowing your own boundaries is key here, I suppose.

My ex was a sulker/grudge holder. I am not. I go up and I come down again. Life’s too short for grudges. The difference is of course, that when you are in a traditional relationship, your proximity means that you are more likely to resolve issues quicker. I don’t have that with Wild Card – I really think it is harder to reconcile over the phone, without the physicality and closeness. I can’t cuddle up to him.

All I can do is wait, then.

The continuation

Yesterday, I had a little more hope. The fact that he had called me at night…well, I had hope that things would be a little better.

I got my reply morning text…Good. no terms of endearment but that was expected.

But, once again, it got past 6pm and nothing.

Part of this may be about things resuming normality. Lockdown is over, summer holidays are over- in the beginning there were one or two calls in the evening. But I suspected that he was perhaps still unhappy.

So, I sent a text. Just a how’s your day kind of thing. It’s what I used to do, in the early days, so he knew I was home. It’s what he used to want me to do.

After about 20 mins I got a thumbs up. Yep, that’s it. So I called, again.

We were back to square one. Claiming there was no problem but not actually talking to me. This time though, I kind of lost it. I asked him if he still loved me, if he still wanted me. No answer. So I started crying. At first he just looked at me, then he started to look away, his arm over his face – upset himself, I felt. But the longer he didn’t answer, the more upset and panicked I got. He wants to finish it but doesn’t know how. Then, my emotions overwhelmed me. Real crying. The kind that comes from deep inside and that threatens to stop you breathing. The kind where you sob. I couldn’t look him in the face. I dropped the phone and covered my face.

He called my name, told me to come here. I picked up the phone. He told me to stop crying. It took a while. He repeated calmly, ‘I said stop’.

For what seemed like a long time, we just stayed on the phone, not talking. Me trying to stop the tears, and him just being there. He brought the phone closer to his face and just looked at me.

And then, he broke the silence with ‘give me a kiss’. I wiped my face, brought my lips closer to the camera and kissed him.

After that was a few moments of awkward talking. He made an effort, finally, but we were clearly both still bruised. I guess, once he saw I was calm, that’s when he ended the call. We said goodbye, and this time he returned my kiss.

Barely an hour later, he called me. Again, the conversation was slow and stilted, but there was progress. I even got some smiling when I asked to see some pictures from when he was younger, without that gorgeous black beard he has now. We both laughed a little at how much he has changed.

Then, weirdly, but perhaps explaining a little, he was in the kitchen when his mum came in with her phone – his brother on videochat.

Wildcard put the phones side by side so I could only see him, and started a very heated conversation with his brother, whom I could hear ‘hmm’ing occasionally. I know there is an issue at Wildcard’s work and I’m guessing there may still be one at home too. He was clearly agitated about something. At one point , I wondered if he was telling his brother about our argument, but I don’t believe he would do that in front of me or his mother. And yes, it isn’t all about me.

When he went back it to his room he was clearly still keyed up but again answered that he was ok. He isn’t. I feel bad that I have contributed to that, but maybe his current mood and reactions are about wider things. He occasionally tells me about his problems at work, but never those at home. He’s kind of private that way although I always tell him I’m here for him.

All I can do is hope that whatever the problem it will pass and I will get my boyfriend back .

Passive aggressive pain

I waited until 5.45pm and decided to call. Having spoken to my sister (the one who likes Wild Card) and a friend separately, they’d both said a similar thing – yes, I made a mistake but it was nothing huge. He has over-reacted and I just need to give him time.

When I called he answered the phone. He was in his work vehicle and was driving. He answered the way he always does and for a second I had hope that all was well.

But then there was an awkward silence and he said we would speak later.

I ended up calling him again though, later when he was at home. And although he said there was no problem and he was not angry that was clearly not the case. He read and typed on his phone the whole time we were on videochat. He pretended he didn’t hear me when I spoke. I got one word answers.

I apologised. No response. I asked if he wanted me to go. That’s your business. Did he still want to be with me? Doesn’t matter. None of your business.

I was in despair. He answered the phone and didn’t ended the call quickly but was clearly not happy with me. In the end, he was called for dinner so said goodbye. I sent him a message, trying desperately to explain and turn things around while he was gone.

When he must have returned to his room I got an ‘OK’ and a ‘goodnight’. No night time call.

I cried that night and my sleep was disturbed. I woke the next morning feeling heavy and glum. I fought tears for most of the day.

He responded to my morning text but ignored a later one where I told him that I would be late home. So naturally, by the time I got home I was not good.

I waited until 6.30 but when he didn’t call, I again called him. He had just finished work and was driving home. Upon entering his home though, he started arguing with this mum and so said he would speak to me later. I got a brief call about an hour later, telling me he was out with family and would call again.

Part of me felt better. He was answering my calls. He had called me back. But the warmth was gone, the conversation, the smiles.

Again, by 9.30 I had heard nothing. After an argument with myself – if he wanted to speak to you, he would call – I decided to try anyway. I love him, i want to speak to him and I want to show him that I don’t want this to end.

He answered, surprisingly as he was at a family’s home. He showed me on the video and as usual, there was silence as he cannot talk to me when there – its a cultural thing. I mouthed ‘are you ok’ and the call ended. There was then a text back and forth – pretty much in line with the previous night’s call. He gave one word answers.

Then, during a pause where I honestly could not think of a thing to say to revive the converstaion, he sent this:

“I am thinking that you were not well, lying to me. I can’t believe it.”

Wow. You can read so much into that, can’t you? Like he never thought I would lie. That he thought better of me. His disappointment. Sadness. And, yes, anger.

I sent an answer. I explained that yes, I was really stressed at that time. That I made a mistake, panicked when he called me out on it and lied to cover it. I reminded him how well he knows me, that he knows when I hide things or lie and that I have never done this before and will promise never to again. I told him how much he means to me.

I was rewarded with a short call when he got home – normality. It was short, but always is, and there was perhaps a little less anger but still no real conversation. Another day of limbo and grief.

Implosion

One thing after another. I feel like I have used that phrase a lot over my 30s.

The problem is, when all those things cover every area of your life -at the same time – you can feel like your life is imploding. You have no control. No way out.

That big gaping void then opens out infront of you. Sometimes it drags you in. Maybe you step into it willingly, eager awaiting the bliss of numbness.

The void is taunting me from afar at the moment.

On Friday, I met the new CEO of the academy which is taking over the school. She opened the meeting by commenting on my previous absence and change in roles – the two things I worry about. The meeting wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t good either. I’ve worried about it all weekend, things I should have said. I have a follow up meeting today.

My ADHD (and probably autistic) 13 year old has not coped with the return to school. He never does, to be fair, but with the rules and changes around covid he is even more anxious. That then becomes agitation and aggression and unavoidably led to a melt down and violence last night. It was all a mess. Even more so because my daughter called her Dad and so my ex turned up and it all got worse.

In the middle of all that, I was trying to deal with an issue with Wild Card which is still not resolved. I will happily outline my stupidity for all to see.

I told a white lie. I regret it. I don’t even understand why I did it. But in that moment of stress and overthinking, it seemed like the easiest option. It would mean I wouldn’t need to explain or go into detail. It was simple.

He called me, and I was on the phone to my son’s best friend’s mum (see, confusing already). We were talking about our sons going to the gym and touched on the difficulties at present with school and their SEN. When the call ended, my head filled with fighting children, school issues and gym bookings, I called Wild Card.

I apologised for not answering his call and in a moment of stress induced madness, I told him that I had been on the phone to the gym, booking my son in. I have no idea why I didn’t just tell the truth. Maybe I thought he wouldn’t believe me. I know I didn’t want to explain the whole long tale of my son’s melt down and then the difficulties of trying to book them both in online which led to texts and phonecalls. In that moment, that explanation seemed to summarise everything succinctly.

But, as always, he knew I was lying. And instead of just owning up and telling the truth, I panicked and lied a bit more to hide my initial lie. And so it went on. He ended the call rather quickly so I knew he wasn’t happy.

An hour later, and I called. He started to question me. Unfortunately, I was aware of this, and like a panicking child lied some more to get myself out of it. Pretty much throughout the painful conversation. At one point he was suspicious that I had been talking to someone else. I made him think that, just by lying in the first place.

How do you own up to a tangle web like that? In the end I had to. I tried to explain. But he just told me goodnight.

I’ve messaged this morning and tried, succinctly, to explain I wasn’t thinking straight and that I had just kept it simple. I apologised profusely.

I got a thumbs up and he has read and but not responded to anything else since. I don’t blame him. The initial lie was stupid and bad enough, but my subsequent lying just made it a whole lot worse. That’s why I usually tell the truth. That’s why I am no good a lying. And I don’t know how to get out of this mess. I’ve apologised but there really is no excuse.

All I can donis leave him to calm down and see what happens. I can’t apologise any more or tell him I love him any more than I have. I’ve just got to hope he will forgive my stupidity.

If he doesnt, I guess I’m going head first into that void.

Oh

Today, the borders opened unexpectedly in Wild Card’s country.

It’s all a bit of a mystery. Covid is raging there at the moment. There are rules and guidelines to who can enter – so tourism isn’t fully open, but tourists from certain countries (UK included) can visit.

It came as a bit of a shock considering. My immediate reaction was – ‘oh great, open when I just go back to work.’ Then, ‘this is not going to help me as the UK requires a two week quarantine after travel.’ After a few moments of unsuccessfully working out how to persuade my headteacher to let me have three weeks off, I realised it is still a no-go until something changes. Who knows, maybe I will be able to go in October or December if I’m lucky. Which I am not.

Wild Card seemed as surprised as I was and he lives there. My joking that ‘I’m coming’ (I had already explained that I can’t) didn’t go well though.

We had a serious and meaningful (alone, sorry sister) conversation where he told me why he didn’t think I should come to see him. Basically he’s worried that his government will make a sudden u turn and I woild be stranded. He said that he would be responsible for me if I was there and he didn’t want that problem or responsibility of the government made a snap decision. He said he was ‘noone’ so wouldn’t be able to do anything to help. It made him nervous.

He kept saying how I must not think he did not want me to go and that if I was happy with the risks then I was welcome. But he felt that he must explain the situation in his country and how he felt. He didn’t want me to go through that. And could I not wait? Waiting was OK, wasn’t it? Until it was safe?

So, yes, I was a little disappointed even though I knew I couldn’t go and it was hard not to think he just didn’t want the hassle of me going. Or that I was some lovesick child that wasn’t thinking straight. What he said made sense though and I kept assuring him that I understood and wouldn’t do anything without him being happy about it. (He said it was nothing to do with him being happy but you get what I meant.)

Thing is, apart from it being a meaningful conversation, he has once again proved himself. Me not going is prolonging this ever getting serious as defined by the laws and culture of his country. If he didn’t care, he would not be advising me to wait until it was safe. And surely, he would be desperate for me to come to ‘woo’ me into this fake marriage.

So, yup, it stung a little but I want entirely unhappy allthesame.

Maybe, just maybe

My promised part two. Sorry for the wait. I’ve been back to work on top of trying to process everything.

I’m going to break the habit of a lifetime and try to outline the problem succinctly.

My sister thinks Wild Card is only after a visa. Pretty succinct I think. I will warn you, my analysis and exploration won’t be. 😉

To say this stung is putting it mildly. Sure, I’ve had this reaction before – from friends, from her even. She can’t understand or comprehend how I can fall in love with someone I’ve ‘spent one week with’. So, logically, she also can’t believe that he could fall in love with me. Ouch.

So, I will address this point first before trying to deal with the visa shaped elephant in the room.

I’ve never had a long distance relationship before. All my boyfriends have been local. When I met Wild Card online, or even Second (remember him?) I didn’t consider that I could love him. I thought they’d be…well, I don’t think I thought anything much, other than it would be fun to flirt with them and talk to them. I didn’t think I would feel more either.

But, we don’t love someone because they are right in front of us. Soldiers and sailors are separated from their loved ones. Flight attendants. People who simply get a job abroad. Students. People who have died. Them being aways from us doesn’t stop the love we have.

Sure, those examples are perhaps from people whose relationships start out in person. Ok.

I videochat with Wild Card every day. Numerous times every day. For ten months. Sometime we chat, sometimes we laugh. Sometimes we fight. Sometimes I cry. Sometimes we are just silent and just occupy virtual space.

As much as I think is possible, I know him and he knows me. And I love what I know and he tells me he loves what he knows.

#Loveisnottourism has thousands upon thousand of couples with a myriad of county combinations to see. You can love from a distance.

Now the biggie…the visa issue.

It’s not like I haven’t thought about this or even, though I hate to admit it, still do sometimes. But my fear comes through insecurity (why else would he possibly be interested in disappointing-old-me) in the main. I can’t deny that his nationality has fueled that of course- would I think the same if I was dating a young handsome American? Nope. I hate that my brain leads to that.

So maybe that’s why her opinion hurts so much. First, because of the implications that he can’t love me or want me for any other reason. Second, that I have been fooled and duped by him which makes me an idiot, and finally, conversely, that he has done nothing to deserve this opinion and this is the man I love.

I’ve never disclosed his nationality on here. Partly because of fear that I would get similar comments here, but also because it shouldn’t matter. When you read my posts about him, I want you to understand from my details of his actions and speech, not from his birth certificate.

However, as I have just proven, there are certain countries where citizens want to leave and do this through a sham marriage. There are also some countries where this is unlikely to happen.

Truth is, I will never be 100% sure until sufficient time has passed. That hurts, but it is true.

I know that these scammers use a multitude of tricks and manipulations to persuade their victim that they are loved. Time being one of them. They put the leg work in.

99% of me doesn’t believe he is like this 99% of the time.

I’m not the easiest option. It is ridiculously hard and expensive to get a visa for the uk – he is attractive and charismatic enough to tempt a woman from a much ‘easier’ country. Whilst I have a good job and house etc, I have three dependent children – one of them only 6 years old. I don’t have the disposable income that a woman older than me could have.

And you know what? I’m hard work. I’m over-emotional, suspicious and jealous. I’m not as gullible as some because my low self esteem won’t allow it. I haven’t fallen for his declarations without questions and doubt. I know he gets frustrated with this. And hurt.

But then, he is hard work too. He can be moody. He can take a joke way past funny. He sometimes isn’t as openly loving or romantic as I would like.

He’s never promised me anything or asked for anything. He doesn’t try to sell me a tale of a perfect love or marriage or life – in fact, he has pointed out how hard this will be.

What he does do, is give me his time. Day after day. To give someone so much of yourself, your time, your life, that has to mean something. Because if he doesn’t love me by now, each moment of that would be difficult particularly when it’s so frequent. It’s also, arguably, unnecessary. Despite my obvious insecurities he knows I love him. He has no need to call as frequently as he does. I can only assume that he loves it as much as I do.

Take today. As I am back in work now, our daily calls have gone from 6++++ to two. No morning call on the way to work or back to it (x2 as he comes home for lunch). But today, he was travelling to another city on business. So this morning, something he has never done, he surprised me with a 7am videocall before he went to the train station. And then another when he arrived at the station, before I went to work. He has never called that early before and he didn’t have to – since being back in work we have our morning texts and evening calls only.He must have wanted to speak to me, surely, or else – why bother?

The reason for my sister’s recent outburst is just that though. She thinks that because we don’t have ‘meaningful conversations’ all the time, its a fake.

I told her that if I am having a meaningful conversation, I leave the room and go somewhere private. So she wouldn’t hear anyway. Secondly, we talk so frequently that there often isn’t something in depth to discuss. Thirdly, how many meaningful conversations does she have with her husband every day? (Very few, apparently). And finally, I like what we do. I like sitting with him virtually while he eats or drives. I like watching him wash when he gets up. I love feeling a part of his every day, mundane life. Because I feel like I am with him.

So in effect, I told her, her only justification is his nationality and that’s not fair.

There is of course a middle ground.

Maybe he wants to migrate. Maybe he wants a multicultural marriage. Maybe he is attracted to podgy 40 year old Brits.

That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me.

It may mean, like everyone else who dates online, he has made a selection. How is this different to selecting someone by their height, weight or education? Their eye colour, age or political views? Dating apps allow you to filter all the time – why is this so wrong? Arranged marriages have happened for centuries and love wasn’t the indicator of a successful marriage.

So maybe there is a middle ground and he loves me. Or maybe he is an expert liar. Or maybe, just maybe, he met me and fell in love.

Bruised

That is, I am feeling emotionally bruised today. And a little lost.

Yesterday was an interesting day. My six year old son told Wild Card that he loves him. Yep, you read right. We were both a little shocked.

Wild Card is great with children – mine, my sisters’ and his own family. He’s one of those people who seem to attract children. He will be out walking, talking to me, and children he doesn’t know will run up to him.

Naturally, I wanted to talk to him about it. Did he realise that my son meant it? For him to say that unprompted means something? How did Wildcard feel about it?

The conversation was difficult due to the language barriers and some misunderstandings. The upshot? He’s aware of how this all may affect my son and he conscious that there’s more than my heart that could break. He is ok with their relationship developing if I am.

I can’t pretend that it hasn’t worried me. My son is very affectionate – the type that hugs his teacher – and Wild card has been in our lives for ten months now. They’ve talked and played online games. I suspected that if they met in person, my son would form an attachment to Wildcard. So, yes I was a little shocked but not surprised. But however it has happened, I don’t want my son to get hurt if this doesn’t work out.

Last night, I talked to my sister about what had happened. She initially said how sweet it was but as we talked, expressed some concerns too.

And then, I’m not sure why, she took the opportunity to express some of her own concerns about my relationship. And they have floored me.

Written two days ago, only posted today. More to follow

Chicken or the egg

I was wondering why no one had liked my last post. Was it that bad? Was it boring? Maybe I’m not writing enough or am I being monotonous? I then realised that I hadn’t actually 0published it. Oops.

As a frame of reference, that sums up my mental health quite succinctly at the moment. I’m worrying about everything. I’m otherthinking everything. I’m negative. And I’m forgetful and tired.

And, to make it worse, even when I try to think about things..  to plan, consider and just plain sort my head out.. I can’t. Thoughts rush in and any attempt to slow them or prioritise results in blank. Like faulty breaks – they’re off or they’re on. I need to get to the bottom of the hill but I either let myself roll down and gather speed uncontrollably or throw on the breaks and feel the strain. My mind is definitely kangaroo jumping as I attempt to deal with this. Whatever it is.

I would like to think that I have learnt enough about myself to have stopped this episode from becoming an all-out breakdown. I suspect it is my medication though that it is stopping me from descending fully into the blackness.

My doctor put me back on anxiety meds a few months ago and they have helped a little. But not enough. I probably should have listened when he suggested upping my antidepressant (I am on the lowest dose) but I felt it was more anxiety than anything else. Maybe I was wrong.

It’s well documented that the current crisis is having a negative impact on mental health and particularly for those with preexisting concerns.  Stupidly, it’s not even that I am worried about the corona itself as such.  It’s the stress and impact it is having on everything else. My job. My relationship. My kids’ education and future. My finances.

Greater awareness of my mental health state is a good thing. Last time it floored me unexpectedly. But… knowing I’m not ‘right’ means that I am doubting my own judgement. I don’t know if my ‘problems’ are causing my mental health concerns or that my mental health is creating ‘problems’. Chicken or the egg.

If I was more settled mentally, would I be able to cope better with the problems that have headed my way? Yes, probably.

Is my mental health making the current issues seem worse than they are? Possibly.

Has the current situation tipped me over? Potentially.

I really, really want to sort my head out. That’s what I want. I want order and considered thought. I don’t want irrationality and overthinking. I want to trust my judgement, but I don’t.

It’s times like these that all you want to do is sleep. Just go to bed, shut off and not think anymore. And that my friends is a big indication that all is not well, whatever the reason.

Contrasts

I am sat on a park bench. The sun is blindingly hot but there’s a wonderful breeze which is just taking the bite of the heat away.

The park is a hubbub of people and noise: groups of teenagers lurking; juniors on scooters or cartwheeling across the cool grass; babies in pushchairs accompanied by proud grandparents or tired mums.

The play area is crowded. Families are dotted on picnic blankets around the park. Every bench has an occupant or two.

I’ve just enjoyed eating my lunch on one of these benches after my first day back in work.

Sitting here, you wouldn’t think that Corona is still destroying the lives of so many people. You wouldn’t think that it’s keeping people apart as borders remain closed. Or destroying businesses and industries. You wouldn’t think that tomorrow, my colleague is burying her mother after waiting four weeks and suffering in the knowledge that the death could have been prevented. You wouldn’t think that I’ve seen children cry today because their ‘exam’ results are just another unfairness , added on to all the others they have faced in the last few months. You wouldn’t think that I’ve learnt that the academy will take over my school and that people will lose their jobs or their careers are going to change. Mine, more than likely.

For a few minutes I can sit. I can forget it all whilst listening to children laugh and while I feel the breeze and the sun in my face.