I hate that title but I can’t think of a better one.
Today I feel strange.
My cough and cold seem to be waning but I feel woozy headed and tired. I had booked my daughter and I in for a long awaited hair appointment and didn’t want to let her down so we went at 9 am. It was relaxing and I love my hair but the best part was watching my daughter emerge from the chair feeling happy and confident. As we drove home she said it was the ‘best day she’d had for ages’ and although I think the hair helped, I can’t help but think it is a little to do with the feeling of today. Where I am, in the North of England, today has the magical feeling of a promise of spring:
The air is crisp and fresh and wintery thanks to this morning’s frost and the trees are still bare. The sky is a patchwork of white and grey-blue as the clouds thin to show a hint of the sky underneath. And yet the quality of light seems to make the green of the grass all the more prominent: the snowdrops that are coming out seem to glow in contrast. I can hear birdsong and although the world is at peace it is still filled with the excitement and promise of spring, almost like the anticipation of spring has magically awakened our senses to the joys of what is to come now winter is slowly ending.
Days like today make you want to go for a walk and just breathe. And even though I do not feel the joy my daughter feels today, I know that if I was not depressed (or ill for that matter) I would feel like her. A tug of war or see saw effect is playing out in my mind today as the spring light challenges my inner dark.
As I was hanging some washing outside (only thin shirts – it is not that warm!) and enjoying the spring air, I was thinking about how much better you feel when you are outside. Yesterday I was reading fellow blogger’s post on depression in the news and recommended an article I had read a few years ago about the power of nature to improve your mood. You can read the blog here and the article from the BBC here.
I thought about my garden. Carved up from what once the council owned small holding my parents rented, it is huge but is in a state of decay and clutter since the onset of my dad’s ill health some years ago. I have tried to reclaim it from the weeds and mess and once had a blog dedicated to it which I have just recovered the password for – ironically, the blog was as lost as the garden still is. I haven’t read over the posts yet but coincidentally, one of my last posts was about the power of nature:
(The hairs on the back of my neck have just gone…
So, in the way that your mind does, mine jumped and skipped from thought to thought until I arrived at my big idea. I’m too woozy and ‘depressed’ to feel excited about it but the flutter of potential excitement has temporarily replaced the drag of anxiety in the pit of my stomach.
Bare with me…
In just over three years, I turn forty. By the time I am forty, I want to be happy with my weight, healthy and happy. I want a big party to celebrate this. I want this party to be at my house meaning the house that I have transformed into the home of me and my three children and father and away from the home that I made with my husband. I want the garden to be similarly transformed to hold said party.
I know this is big. Too big probably. But what it will do is focus my mind. My garden depresses me for so many reasons so doing it up will make me happier. Being outside makes me happy. Exercise supposedly makes you happy. Exercise makes you lose weight which should make me happy. Three years is a substantial amount of time to take this reasonably slowly but I know I have the support of my sisters and brother in laws. I also think it will be a good project for my children too. I have a goal. It is no longer get over my marriage but something more concrete which will help me get over my marriage. This feels good. Scary, but good.