Yo-Yo

Sometimes I really do not understand myself.  This is the post I started to write on Thursday:

I’m going to Spain tomorrow for the first time.  I am going with five other ladies,  one a close friend.  The others are friends of hers. 

Why am I not excited?  Why am I not looking forward to sun and sea and sand? Adult conversation? A chance to put myself first? 

This is a wonderful opportunity that many people would jump at and I should be thoroughly ashamed of myself.  Instead,  I am worrying about if  something happens to me.  I’m worried that I am going to feel alone.  Like the token fat ugly woman. 

Today, four days later,  I am home and tired after a wonderful weekend.  We laughed and drank and ate and talked and relaxed and discussed.  I took leisurely showers and got to eat my food in one sitting without being interrupted every five minutes. I was able to apply make up without rushing. 

Even acknowledging the power of the beer goggles,  men wanted to talk to me.  

I felt wanted. I felt fun.  I felt attractive.  Sure,  I needed a pep talk now and again when my low self esteem battled for supremacy in my mind.  But I was liberated from stress and loneliness.  I began to plan how to improve my life for me and my children. My confidence had reappeared – a little flimsy and transparent,  but it was there. The world was filled with possibility.  

Then I came home and went to work.  And I was faced with the same negative and vindictive people who try to make my life a misery each day.  And I went on Facebook (evil as it is) to post photos as I had promised and saw photos of myself which made my low self esteem congratulate itself for its accuracy.  Did I really look like that????!!!! 

And so the yo-yo of anxiety and depression continues. This is what it is like.   There is some improvement of course – in January I felt low all the time.  But,  this is one sparkly and glittery yo-yo now.  And I plan to keep hold of it,  for now at least.