Red, Red wine 

I am pleased to announce that I have lost 6lb in two weeks. It feels good. Surprisingly, I’ve had a few comments from family and friends who had noticed before I’d told them about it. It certainly picks you up. The diet was given to me by a friend and came out of a magazine: set meals and snacks for five days, strict eating hours and low carbs. I enjoyed the meals and snacks, was hungry occasionally, but managed – I think knowing that I had the weekend helped. What it has done is give me a boost – I’m going to try slimming world again for a few weeks then try it again. 

Naturally following a good loss and a restricted diet and naturally being Mother’s Day, I decide to jeopardise my weight loss by drinking red wine. I love red wine. 

One glass turned to two, then two turned to three. I was pretty merry by this point. The children were in bed, the TV was unappealing so, as the majority of the world do nowadays, I turned to my phone. 

Before I could drain the last drips from the glass I found myself in an online chat room. Don’t judge me. In some ways I prefer it – I want to chat and being naturally shy and self conscious, doing this online is easier at the moment. 

As said in a previous post, I can’t quite bring myself to pay for I honestly don’t think I’m ready. But spurred on by the harmless fun I had in Spain, I want to move to the next stage. My experiences with online dating five years ago were not good. I know times have changed and I know that there are many more sites out there.. I’m just not ready. 

The chat rooms are fast paced. There are thousands of people out there and yes, a seemingly large proportion are perverted. Even ones that initially seem nice often end up asking your bra size – I can cope with this by blocking them and moving on. I can talk to men from all over the world and,  hiding behind my username, I can be anonymous. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to play games here. I am me, I take no delight in duping people by pretending to be something I’m not. But I can do this without fear of the next steps. No pressure. 

I have done this a couple of times in the last few months. If I examined myself closely enough, I would probably see that this is when I feel most lonely. But you know what, I find this easy and safe entertainment. 

Last night I got chatting to ‘Jay’. He is 40, lives in London (so miles away) and is single with a 16 year old. We moved off the frequently glitchy and ad-ridden chat site into kik. He seems like a nice guy. I’m far too cautious to believe everything he says but I enjoy his conversation. I’m honest with him, tell him that I’m reluctant to start the whole Internet dating thing again. He advises me to take it at my own pace – I’m in charge of how I want to date – and suggests a few online dating apps to try.   Then he says he wants to hear my voice. I freeze. I stare at my phone, my heart pounding. Then his number appears on my phone. I’m scared, I’m excited. It is 12.30am and I’m in bed. 

I walk downstairs, stare at my phone a bit more and fueled by red wine, dial his number with the safety blanket of 141.

His voice is warm and his accent is slightly RP. I like it. He tells me that I can end the call at any time – he understands – and then we chat. I mainly listen. It wasn’t earth shattering and there were some awkward pauses. But it was nice and it was exciting. In the end I told him I was tired and that my battery was nearly dead (which it was). 

I put the phone down and felt… Warm. I can do this. I can put myself out there. I’m under no illusions, even if he liked the picture I tentatively sent we live too far away for this to go anywhere. But I smiled as he spoke and was pleased when he said he’d like to chat again. 

As I lay in bed, I waited to hear  the ping of my phone, half hoping for a final message. It didn’t come and I fell asleep. My disappointment was minimal. 
This morning as I checked the time on my phone, I noticed that he had actually messaged me. Then my phone died. 

When I finally got on I saw that it was to say that he had pictured me smiling throughout our conversation. Clever or intuitive, I’m not sure but I liked it enough to reply that he was right. 

I waited all day but there was no response as he had not read the message. Eventually though he did – the messages were polite but short – asking each other about our day. Then nothing. 

For half an hour I eyed my phone. I can’t explain how I felt. Disappointed is too strong but I suppose my pride didn’t want it to end so soon. Then he replied. He said that he would be happy to speak again tonight. 

It is 9.55 and I haven’t called yet. My eldest is on her way to bed any minute. I’m nervous despite knowing this is going nowhere. There is no red wine to fuel me tonight. But I see this as my dating lessons. I’m practicing my manoeuvres, getting used to the feel of the car again. I’m not sure what is in it for him. Wish me luck. 

Update * 11.05pm. 

I have just finished my call. 

I messaged after my last post. The message was unread for 15 minutes. As is my usual form, over-analysis stared immediately. Had I left it too late? Did he think I was messing him about? Should I just call or text rather than kik – I had his number. Is that what he was expecting? I decided no, so far we had communicated through kik and he didn’t have my number. As I was mentally drafting the message I planned to write:(Sorry I left it so late. Didn’t want to call as you may be busy. I enjoyed speaking to you. Would that have been too much???) he replied, apologising for missing the message. He asked if I still wanted to chat and when I said yes, he asked me to call in about 5 minutes – he would let me know when ready. 

Got to be married. I really don’t want to be this analytical over one phone call and a few messages with a man who lives too far away for comfort. 

I called and we chatted. Again, a couple of awkward moments but nothing out of the ordinary. My, he has a really lovely voice. Warm and deep. He seems nice, intelligent and interesting. Our chat ended quickly as he keep sneezing-as in every couple of minutes – but he ended by saying that he will message me tomorrow. How I’m going to stop myself anticipating that message, I don’t know. Scary stuff. 

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