Reasons

The game playing with Jay continues. 

Before I begin elaborating, I am already hating how I sound in all this. 

He didn’t contact me Saturday. Maybe I misinterpreted ‘message you later’… Or maybe not. 

By Sunday afternoon I had still not heard anything. I can’t stand the anticipation any longer. If he’ s moved on, he’s moved on: no big deal. It’s the waiting and wondering that I can’t stand. People should be honest – it is less painful in the end. Such as:

“Thanks, I had fun but I don’t think this is going anywhere. Hope you meet someone to make you happy. Bye”

I know that sounds girly, but you get the point.  

After far, far too much deliberation, I decide to message him first. I haven’t done this at any point so I figure his response, or lack of it, will give me a clue. I know I sound like a control freak. And yes, I am one. I just like to know where I stand. I have got his mobile number but have never texted him directly, only through kik. I have not called him without him suggesting it first. 

I message him at lunchtime. Nothing. I’ve got the point. Yes, my sleeping beauty romantic side was still waiting all those hours. But most of me had accepted it. 

Then he messaged back in the evening.  Said he’d had a heavy night, had a bad headache and had been ill all day. He asked how my day had been. I replied. Nothing again. 

This morning I’d moved on. Even sleeping beauty had gone back to sleep. It has been the steady removal of attention that signals a goodbye. It’s not the ‘ripping off the plaster method’  that I prefer, but: ‘message received’. 

I have had a great day with my children: playing in the garden, going to the park etc. Beautiful sunny day that fills my previously damaged and newly grazed heart with light. Sure, I think about what a good time I have had, talking to him and flirting. But also that he is one of millions of men out there.  And then the  <enter expletive here> messages me again – clearly on his lunch break. He apologises for not replying last night, says that he fell asleep on the couch and that he will – yes, you know it – MESSAGE ME LATER. Ok, fair enough. I answer ‘no worries, hope you’re feeling better’. 

And has he? It is nearly 10.30pm, and no, no he hasn’t. I don’t think he has even read my message. 

I feel like a yoyo. Why carry this on? I haven’t hounded him, forcing him to reply out of manners or morals or whatever else. 

And why am I so bothered???? 

I hate not understanding what is going on. I hate that this makes me question myself and my expectations and behaviours, particularly as I am tentatively putting myself out there. Why periodically message someone, unprompted, if you are not interested? Is this a game? Am I not responding in the right way?  – I don’t want to fall into this situation again through my actions. 

Well, enough. You’ve had enough of my time and my thoughts,  Jay. Thank you for a fun few days. I hope you find what you’re looking for. 

Time to move on. 😊 

 

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