Control

I’m in one of those moods today. I can’t seem to motivate myself. 

It is a beautiful, beautiful day outside. 

I have done some washing and have taken the youngest to the park. Then we sat in the car outside the house whilst I tried to justify wherelse we could go. I couldn’t think of anywhere,  so we got out. 

There is so much I could be doing. The garden hasn’t been touched this year. The bedrooms need tidying and I need to vacuum downstairs. I can’t do it. I can’t bring myself to do any of it. And the more I sit here, the more it seems to weigh down on me. 

I’ve had my second review on Silver Cloud, the online counselling I am using. Again, my counsellor talked about my constant need for control and how this is leading to my feelings of anxiety. 

You’d think that by doing all the housework I’d feel in control,  but I don’t. Because it gets messed up again.  Because it’s endless so I’m never in control and the more that needs doing the more it is in control and not me. 

The review has also made me consider my feelings and recent posts, particularly when thinking about relationships.  Its pretty clear that my frustrations with Jay were not out of strong feelings toward him but more strong feelings about my lack of control over the situation. He didn’t message or call when he said he would. I can’t cope with that because it exemplifies very clearly how I am not in control. 

Over the past few days I’ve been online, chatting to other men.  This still very much feels like ‘dating in training’. The biggest problem I have is that most of the men on there just want sex – in person or online. In some ways, I like the men that are up front with that. I block or avoid and move on. It’s the ones that put in a bit of time; engage in chit-chat and put you at ease before then trying to engage in sexting,  that frustrate me. Again, 30’s dater had this right when he advised me to pay for a site – you know the men on there are after a relationship then too. Perhaps I am as much at fault as they are – they assume I am on there for the same thing they are – not just a flirty chat. Maybe I am being unfair. 

I’ve been sent an offer for one month of match affinity and I am really tempted. The biggest problem would be when I actually get to meet any possible dates – the ex is still pretty slippery when being asked to confirm his time with the children. And of course this irriates me like hell because I am not in control. Grrrrrrrrrrrr. 

It’s my birthday tomorrow. Thirty seven years old. Did I ever imagine myself to be separated with three children at 37? Absolutely not. I thought that if I worked hard enough at anything it would work out alright. I know it now that is not true. The last five years of my life have shown me that time and time again. I have no control over so many things and this is the cause of my depression and anxiety. 

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