A different life

Heysham coast line, my photo! 

Having depression can make you feel trapped. Walls of anxiety – often self imposed – tower above you, threatening to crash down at any moment and smother the life out of you. 

I’m starting to come out of that: the walls, although still there, are crumbling at the edges. Doorways are appearing, offering a glimpse into another world, a different life.  I just need to be brave enough to walk through. 

I have had two fantastic days out this week. The first was on Wednesday with my friend when we went to the Lake District and then called in at Heysham on the way home. I can’t tell you how exhilarating I found that day. We chatted none stop on the way, so much so that I missed three (yes three!) junctions. We then laughed for about half an hour as we recalled seeing the sign for Scotland. What this did mean though, is that we came at the Lakes from the north and drove past Ullswater, stopping periodically to take in breathtaking views in the spring sunshine. 

We eventually made our way to Bowness and walked and browsed the many shops that line the streets. Although it is naturally a place for tourists, I love Bowness. The place still manages to retain its charm. 

Heysham by contrast seems almost barren and wild. The little shops and cafes I remember from my childhood visit there are shut but a walk to the little church and chapel on the cliff is well worth the stroll. The views are beautiful. There was a moment when the sunlight broke through the cloud and glistened on the sea. Unfortunately, my photography skills do not do it justice. 

The wind blew from the sea, whipping my hair around me. With that sunlight, bright and glittery, I felt such hope that things could get better. 

The National Trust manages the coastline and there was a little hilly woodland that we also walked through. Small and quaint it may be, but we both enjoyed that hour walking around that little piece of historic coast. 

Today, with the same friend, we have spent the day in Liverpool. I love Liverpool – it is my adopted city. Culture, history, shopping, architecture – Liverpool is a beautiful place. We went to the Walker Art Gallery which is fantastic, particularly with its current Victorian Artist exhibition. Some of those paintings truly take my breath away. Shopping, a delicious meal and then home – another great day. 

No matter how stark and bleak the world may be, it is so important to break through those dark clouds or those open doorways. I started this blog to document finding me again. Me without the stress of a failing marriage. Me without the pressures of my career. Me without the guilt of being a working parent. As I have said before, I didn’t expect to fall to depression and anxiety after the split. Rebuilding those connections to people I care about, and places that I love is helping me to remember that this life is worth living. It is not about existing day to day, but about making memories. A life worth remembering. Of course there will those days where my time is consumed by the constant struggle between motherhood and career. There will be days when my biggest achievement will be temporarily getting rid of the dirty washing pile.

 And that’s OK. Because those days when I am busy being a mum or a teacher make wonderful times spent with a friend or my children or my family all the more special. And I deserve that. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to have a life worth living. 

 

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