A weighty issue

The ex is looking good. Grrrrrrrrrrrr. 

I am not attracted to him, nor does this mean that I am anywhere near contemplating a reconciliation. Absolutely not (more on that later). 

He has lost loads of weight. As in, the big barrel that was his stomach has gone. It’s not that I haven’t noticed before tonight that he was losing weight. His clothes have looked baggy and ridiculous for some weeks. But tonight when I got in from work he was visiting the children (again, more on this later) and he was in his work wear – formal trousers, shirt and tie. And he looks really well. 

There are four reasons why this information is particularly annoying:

  1. He has lost his weight months before I will. 
  2. He has lost weight because we have split up – I feel a tad guilty because it’s due to him being upset,  initially anyway. 
  3. He has lost weight because I am not feeding him which means it is my fault we are/were over weight. 
  4. Even when I do lose weight, my figure will not look like his. I have carried three large and beautiful babies. He has not. His body has shrunk back to toned proportions and mine never will. 

Anyway, I’m on day two of my five day diet following a birthday-Easter extravaganza of wine, chocolate and meals out. Hopefully the scales will be kind on weigh day. 

I am particularly proud of my hour long visit to a local pub for a cappuccino and a read of my book, as I did not order cake like I wanted to. Yay! Hello willpower. 

The hour long visit was due to the time I was expected back by his Skinniness.  Wednesday is visit day when he works days. In reality, it ends up being about an hour and a half. Which actually works out as being an hour for me as I get home at 6pm. This week he is working Saturday and our middle son has football Sunday. So this means on a typical earlies week, the children see him for between half a day and a day plus a couple of hours on Wednesday. I get an hour and half a day. 

Please, please believe me that I love my children. I really, really do. But it is so much easier to do housework and school work when they are not here. And, sorry for being selfish, I do actually want a little time for myself. At some point I want to start dating. 

He is no closer to getting his own place. Periodically he tells me that he is ‘about ready to start looking’ and then another excuse arrives. The majority of his belongings are in a huge pile in my bedroom. The rest is where he has left them. He tells me there is no room in the box room he sleeps in at his parents’ house for nothing more than a few essential clothes. He’s still leaving the majority of his mail here despite my frequent reminders to take it with him. I’m short, he is getting on my very last, frayed, and about to snap, nerve. 

I know that I asked him to leave. 

I know that I have kept the house and most of the items in it. 

But this is ridiculous. I can’t move on, I can’t start to build a routine for my children and a life for us, and me, in this state of limbo. Neither can he. 

Together, my life was ruled by his moods. Apart and I am just as controlled by him and what he wants. He wants me back in an hour? So I come back. Trying to get his shift patterns and a confirmation of his visits is like trying to pan for gold in a muddy puddle. 

And, to make the situation worse, the majority of his visits are here, in this, my house because he says he can’t keep taking them to his parents’ and he can’t afford to take them out. So I have to go out. Which was fine when I was out walking I’m beautiful places with a friend. Not so when I am tired and want to be at home. 

What can I do WordPress? Am I too selfish, greedy? Is it wrong that I want to make this home that I have worked hard for, my home? That I want to eradicate all signs of an unhappy marriage from the interior? That I expect him to want to share the children equally and to provide a home for them to build stability and routine? (I gave him the deposit and a month’s rent to help out, as well as offering to contribute to furnishings.)  

What do you think? 

2 thoughts on “A weighty issue

  1. what do I think? I think you are doing an amazing job (s) of keeping it together, quickly ‘normalising’ things for your kids by somehow getting in to a temporary routine, not losing your sh*t daily, and also starting to prioritise yourself a teeny bit so that you have some sort of self maintenance – this is highly important to keep you running. Don’t underestimate the time you need for thinking / defusing / sitting in a quiet space with a coffee. This is essential time for you to recharge. I’ve been reading your posts for a couple of months and I love your honesty, your way with words and ability to put your thoughts in to words. Please keep writing, and be kind to your self. 🙂

    Like

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