The unexplainable 

The curious thing about depression is how it can, without any clear reason, hit you hard. I personally find these days the worst. 

I think logically. It’s natural for you to feel low when you’re going back to work after a wonderful holiday with your children. It’s OK to feel down after you’ve had months of worry about your dad’s cancer. It’s normal to feel depressed after a difficult separation.  But when there is no logical reason for the depression to pull me into the black hole, it somehow makes me feel worse. My counsellor says it is about my lack of control. I suppose she could be right. 

Take this weekend…

Friday, I had a lovely evening with my children watching a film. Saturday morning I woke up, did some housework, then took my daughter to her friends. I spent time with my boys, watching them play whilst I continued with some jobs. My ex arrived and I got ready to go out. I felt good. I went out with my friend: had a lovely meal, a good chat and a giggle, a few glasses of wine and a delicious strawberry gin. Today I have decorated part of my living room and shampooed the carpet – I have been productive. 

So why now, do I feel like crying? Why am I sat on the couch, not proud and happy with my achievements this weekend..? Why do I want to crawl in my bed and hide?  
Is it because I’ve done no school work yet? Is it because my day is still not over? 

Is it just ‘because’?  Because I have depression and anxiety and Because that is part of my illness?

I feel an anxious yearning inside and I have no idea what for. I hate feeling like this as this is often the time when I start binge eating. I’m more aware of it now, that’s a good thing, right? I’m not giving in to the urge to eat. Yet. 

Problem is, I don’t know how to get rid of the feeling. 

3 thoughts on “The unexplainable 

  1. Being more aware of your triggers and your behaviour sounds like a great achievement/progression. I think we all underestimate the huge effort it takes to get to the awareness part of this illness. It helps us to take steps towards controlling it and also in a way letting ourselves feel without the fear of it controlling us.
    As always, thanks for being honest and true 🙌🏻😘

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    1. Thank you. You’re so right! The most recent part of my counselling has been on recognising and challenging thought processes. Not easy, but so important.

      Like

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