The weather is so changeable at the moment here in North West UK. At times it is grim; there’s no other word to explain it. It’s windy, it’s raining and the sky is dark. The ground is covered in leaves and broken twigs and small branches. At other times – often within the same day – the wind manages to blow away the clouds long enough for the sun to appear. Then, the green of the outside seems to glow. I love it.
Like the weather, my mood has been pretty changeable too. It’s been so hard to get up this week and I hate the first few hours of the day as I fight through a medication and /or exhaustion induced fog. I wish I was a morning person. I would love to wake up early, potter about whilst enjoying a leisurely coffee and soaking up a beautifully peaceful morning before I wake the children for school. Never happens. I tried going to bed early. I’ve tried setting my alarm. I’ve tried setting my alarm and putting it far away from my bed.
One thing I’ve been dwelling on this week is my inability to sustain anything. So for example, I start the school year getting up at 6.30 and end it dragging myself up at 7.15am. I started to wash and dry a load of laundry once a day and now have to deal with washing mountain on a Saturday. I start a healthy, balanced diet for a few days then descend into binge-eating-chaos. I can’t sustain good habits.
As I’ve said previously, my counsellor (and family) think that I try to do too much and then berate myself when I fail. It’s true. I’m getting better but there is no answer for the million and one things I need to do but still aren’t done. The things that stack in my mind like jenga blocks, teetering precariously.
I am actually boring myself at the moment. I’m sick of the same old boring thoughts in my head. Thoughts that are 75% negative. I’m also sick of thinking about food and dieting. Sick of wondering what diet I can follow and actually stick to. Sick of conflicting advice. And this sense of suspension just means that I overeat. Eurgggh. Not good.
But. I’ve got the girls coming round tomorrow night to watch a film. Sunday I have the opportunity for another long walk. The clouds have parted. For now.