Awake

When I woke this morning I felt like I had dreamed it all: his proposition, his kisses, his touch. I have dreamed of him so many times. 

But it wasn’t a dream, not this time. I relived it, replayed it in my mind. Did I do the right thing? I’m satisfied that I didn’t allow things to go too far and for lots of reasons. For one, I wanted positive memories of intimacy with him. It’s funny isn’t it? I’ve resigned myself already to the fact that it won’t happen again. If he is using me, I’ve given the bare minimum of what he could have. 

It all depends really on why he wanted it in the first place. So, here comes the overanalysis:

1) He is feeling low and needed a ‘pick-me-up’ – he thinks I’m an easy target for a one night stand due to our past. An ego massage. 

2) I’m unfinished business. We never took our flirtationship to the next level. Now we are both single, it was an opportune time. Now he can have closure. 

3) Feelings overtook him. He was genuinely surprised when he found out I was separated and made sure I knew he was too. The tension between us has been there for years, regardless of our relationship status – we are just good people who didn’t act on it. Now we can. Now is the start of something, finally. 

Of course, the main issue now is I am back where I was four years ago. I’m sat here wondering and second guessing him. I imagine the truth lies somewhere between all of the above. From past history though, number three is probably just romantic literature talking. 

Either way, one of three things are going to happen now:

1) He will disappear again. The tension has been fulfilled to a certain extent so that is the end. 

2) He will slowly come back but just as ‘friends’ again and I will be confused again. 

3) He will want more. 

What scares me is how my body and mind have been woken up by him. My stomach is turning over and my body aches to be touched by him again. My mind is occupied by him: the past and the now. I want to talk about it, dissect it with someone. Problem is, too many of my close family and friends know how much I hurt when it didn’t work last time. 

Which makes me wonder if those feelings would have been better left asleep. 

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