The awakening 

I was in love with you.  You made me believe in fairy tales and the literature of love.  You made me believe in soul mates and destiny.  

But it was not to be. Wrong time, wrong place: although we fit together like two pieces of a jigsaw, our images were different. You wanted me but not the life I had. You wanted a different version of me. 

So I pulled away. I tested fate in the hope that you would come back but you didn’t. We looked at each other’s partners with green eyes. We looked at each other with acknowledgement of what we still felt. 

Life moved on and the gap between us grew. The hole in my life, my heart, slowly healed to leave a permanent scar. My feelings are put to sleep. But no one else measured up to you, even with all your flaws. I questioned my remembrance of you. I doubted my senses and my memories. I doubted our connection. 

Months passed. Life takes over. As I sleep, you become a memory of what might have been. 

And then, a chance meeting.. Like spring, my world awakens again to all the thoughts and feelings and memories which flood my senses. Jealousy courses through my veins but at least the truth of what was is re-acknowledged. The truth of how we felt. Of what might have been. 

You fade away again. I learn to wish you well. I learn to say goodbye: our paths so different now. Once again the hope of true love is put to rest. Our separation is inevitable now it seems. 

I think of you, time to time. You are still on that pedestal but I am resigned to our fate. I thank the stars for showing me what love should feel like and hope that one day I find another you.  Right time, right place. 

But fate has not deserted us. One day I come home and you are there. You are broken and yet I see a glimmer of the man that I loved. We talk in riddles, teasing out the details that could lead to  potential or turmoil. 

You didn’t know that I was alone again. I see the look in your eyes and I berate myself for hoping. For wondering. I preoccupy myself with concern for you – the shadow of the man I loved and lost. 

And then we are alone. And I hear words that I have dreamed of for so long. My soul murmurs in its sleep and considers its reawakening. 

Would this make you happy? This moment that you ask for, this unfinished business that has plagued us since the moment we met?  I question your need of me now, hope so long gone that I have forgotten how it feels. Is this about the here and now or is this about a long awaited opportunity – the stars finally aligned? There’s no one else to hurt but ourselves. 

When you kiss me, I awaken. I feel your need for me. 

Does it matter if you need me to heal you? Does it matter if you need me to finally end those unanswered questions that stretch out between us? 

I can’t say no. My mind is in shock but my body and soul come alive at the taste of you, the touch of you. 

I feed your shadow. I give you back the love you have lost. But I take nothing, scared that by taking, you will disappear into nothingness. 

Now I am lost with you. Together, the world seemed right again, just for those moments. Those moments when our skin touched. 

When you leave I am overwhelmed. So many emotions, so many questions. I am awake again, the part of me that was dormant now taking over. 

Will you disappear again? Will my life return to its slumber waiting for the day when you awaken me again? Was this our goodbye?

Because I know you are broken but I was broken too. 

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