I’m exhausted. The type of exhausted that when you sit down your eyelids go down too.
Today we said farewell to another Aunty. That’s two who have passed away in two months.
It was sad to see my uncle so upset. My uncle and Aunty used to live not 100 yards up the road. My dad and my uncle ran a market gardening business when I was younger. Therefore my childhood is filled with memories of running around their farm and `helping out’. My uncle was/is a much bigger man than my dad. He was a whizz with anything mechanical. Now, in his 80s, and grieving the woman he has been with for most of his life, I can see a vulnerability that I never saw before.
My dad told me that he had never seen his brother upset until my Aunty died. That leaves so many unanswered questions but more than anything, shows how devoted he was to her. Is it wrong that I hope to feel like that one day? To have lived and shared the majority of my life with someone, to have devoted our precious moments alive to be together.
As I fully expected, I have heard nothing from Lost Soul. I don’t have his number which I’m glad of as I could have been tempted to get in touch. In any guise, this would not be a good idea. Whatever that was – a hello or a farewell – I’ve got to let him show me the way. I have experienced what happens when I pursue him. Plus, I want him to come to me because he wants to.
As has always been the way with him, our encounter has put him at the forefront of my mind. It’s dangerous territory. I allow my mind to wander through all sorts of possibilities, good and bad.
There’s a part of me that is still scared by the feelings that he creates in me. Being ten months separated, I now have very specific ideas about what I want from any further relationships. On the one hand, no one I have ever met has made me feel like he does. No one has made such a connection with me. I want that. Thing is, I had resigned myself to the fact that it would never be with him. And then Monday happened. But then, on the other hand, I do not want to be with someone as dependent as my ex. I want a partner not a grown up child. Lost Soul is vulnerable and as much as I want to help him, I want any relationship to be about us and not him.
Another big issue is my weight. I don’t actually know if I could be naked in front of him. I worry that he would not be attracted to me and wouldn’t want me. There’s an irony there because I know he does find me attractive and that many, many people have thought we were together due to our chemistry. But I also know that the reason that we never took it further in the past could have been because of my weight – you only have to look at his subsequent girlfriends to know that.
I hate that I am half way back in that place where my thoughts and feelings for him consumed me. Monday night happened. It happened when we were both sober and single. It happened with passion and tenderness. When he kissed me, it felt right. But I can’t afford to dwell on these memories and feelings and possibilities. I have to say farewell to the past and enjoy the now.