Contemplation 

OK, so there may be a part of me that could be obsessing ever so slightly. I think this is probably because I’ve not had anyone to talk to about this: to purge my system of all the thoughts and emotions surrounding my unexpected intimacy with the man I loved and lost. 

Last night, I finally got the chance. I wasn’t sure whether to tell my friend. We’ve been friends for a while and she knows the story from the beginning. But it’s only recently that we have become close. I knew she would say what I didn’t want to hear. 

She’s a little older than me, which has no real influence other than she has not had a relationship for a long time- fifteen years. I’m not going to go in to the reasons why as such – that’s the content of her blog – but she is a beautiful, intelligent woman. On the other hand, her principles are just that little bit more strict than mine and she has chosen to be single for a long time. I want a relationship and she’s not ready. 

I suppose what I’m saying is, I knew what she was going to say before she said it. And I also knew I wasn’t going to like it. But I needed to talk, to self-counsel almost, and I do have a high regard for her opinion. 

I think the overriding things that were discussed is that I clearly want something to happen (obvious, I know). But I also want this on my terms. I’ve decided that I want all or nothing: I need to him to walk away now or to come back and say he wants to start a relationship with me no matter how slow we take it. My friend is worrying about me getting hurt again and so am I. I can’t cope with anymore “will he, won’t he; does he,  doesn’t he”, although ironically I’m in that place already to a certain extent.  

Romantically, I want to believe that like me, he has regretted not starting something last time (my friend says “well why didn’t you? If it didn’t work the first time, why would it work the second?”) and that he has missed me as much as I missed him. I want him to be cautiously wanting to try this thing out, to see if all that chemistry and connection will lead to something amazing. 

The evidence I have for this is…. Nearly five years on from the end of our ‘thing’ and that pull towards each other has never waned. This is the first time that we have both been single since then. And Monday felt so right. And that he had never wanted me as much as he did then, nor had he ever shown such desire for me in those circumstances. 

But…  (I hate that word as I type it). But there is no reason why this experience won’t be like the last. As expected, I’ve not heard from him yet. Surely if he wanted more, he’d have been in touch? Surely he would have been thinking about this as much as I have? So maybe, this is me wanting to see more into this than there  is. Again. If I’m not careful, I could put myself back where I was all those years ago. 

I want to tell myself that things are different this time. I’m in a much better place than I was when I split up with ex last time. I’m not desperately searching for a romantic replacement and have decided to just have some fun for a while. In some ways, he is in a better place too. He has been focusing on his career this last few years. And the age gap has shrunk – we are both in our 30s now and hopefully we have both matured. 
We are still at different stages in our life though. I’m 37, separated,  with three children a mortgage and a career. He’s 31 and just about to embark on his career. Whatever reasons he had for not taking this where it naturally wanted to go are probably still there. I’m (some speculation here)  not the young, slim beauty he wants on his arm.  My children would come first. I still have an ex who hates his guts from the last time. 

And so, all signs are pointing to a non-starter. I keep telling myself to enjoy the now and I think this is the only way I’m going to get over this again. 

Feel free to send me your thoughts. 😊 

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