My return

To all my few but treasured followers:

You’ll be glad to hear that I have returned from my short and not so sweet journey to looney-ville. 

This morning I have woken up feeling pretty much back to normal. I can’t tell you that I haven’t thought of him, but what I will say is that the accompanying feelings of nervous anxiety and anticipation have gone. 😊 Hurray to CBT. 

Of course, I can’t be sure of the reason behind his no-show yesterday. Displaying indifference is a killer when you are desperate to know everything. But ever since my sisters started to worry about me regarding him and the situation, that’s the way I’ve played it. 

So, what do I know?

I know that my brother in law was supposed to come last night but then offered overtime. 

I know that when my sister was organising what was going to happen when my b.i.l finished work, Lost Soul had contacted her and had asked them what they were up to. 

I know that my sister had contemplated asking b.i.l to look after their child at home, with Lost Soul, so she could come back to my house and enjoy an evening child free. 

She did suggest at one point asking b.i.l and Lost Soul to come to my house also – I nonchalantly agreed (whilst boarding the Virgin express to looney-ville) – and she was going to suggest it to them. 

I know that ultimately, b.i.l stayed at home with my nephew on his own. Lost Soul’s whereabouts are unknown but he wasn’t there and he definitely wasn’t here. 

Other tidbits gleaned last night were that Lost Soul has spent a lot of time with them since splitting with his girlfriend. I also found out that he is on tinder and has been talking to a girl for sometime. That info bought the ticket home and shut the train door behind me. 

I don’t know whether Lost Soul was even asked to come round. My sister may well have decided she wanted a child free night (fair play) or my b.i.l may have decided that he fancied a night on his own while his son slept and his wife was at my house. Maybe Lost Soul had other plans all along. 

Either way, what is absolutely certain is that I have spent far too much time thinking about him. Whether through fate or design he did not come last night and based upon my reaction to that whole situation, it is not good for me either way. 

If he’s on tinder he wants something. I’m assuming he still has my number but he has not been in touch. Therefore, despite now knowing we are both single and that we had shared a rather intense moment of intimacy on Monday, it’s clear that is all he wanted. 

I’m so glad I didn’t have sex with him. I’m secure in the experience we did have and I’m now happy to dispose of my season pass to looney-ville and get back on with the life that I am trying to build. 

I know now that I did not imagine the connection and chemistry between us all these years. But I also know that whatever his reasons for not starting a real relationship with me all those years ago, they’re clearly still there. I also know that, as I am on the road to recovery from anxiety, the last thing I need in my life is him and his game playing. If he turned up, cap in hand, and told me that he loves me and wants a relationship, well – I may feel differently. 

But it’s not going to happen. That is the stuff of romantic literature. My story is a little more down to earth than that. 


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