I’ll admit it. I’ve had a few drinks. Don’t let this alarm you. I’m sober enough that these sentences are flowing. I’m sober enough for my brain to be working overload. For me, alcohol produces an honesty that can be brutal sometimes. 

Tonight I’ve had a good time. My best friend and I, plus another one of her friends (a separate post on this coming up at some point). We went for a meal, a few drinks in a wine bar – you get the picture. 

No men though. As in, I didn’t see anyone that I fancied and there wasn’t anyone who liked me. It was disappointing. 

Disappointing because I can state with every honesty that the thought of online dating again depresses me. I cannot go there again. It’s brutal. 

I know I’m fat. And I know that the majority of men did not find that attractive. Yet I need to believe that I have enough about me to attract someone. I could lose weight if I really tried. But I can’t change my face or my personality. Blaming your weight for not being attractive is much easier than facing the truth. 

My friend and I talked about what happened with Lost Soul. She doesnt believe me when I say I have walked away now (metaphorically anyway). She thinks I can’t say no to him. I tried to tell her she’s wrong but part of me hopes he will turn up again. 😔 

And yet, I don’t want another complicated relationship. I’m independent and beginning to love life again. I don’t need a man to make me happy. I can live a good life without one. But the thought of being alone scares me, even though I’m not lonely now.

This got me thinking. Do I just want someone because I want to prove that I am still attractive and desirable? Is this all about my self esteem? Could I be single and happy for the rest of my life? 

I suppose only time will tell. What are your thoughts? 

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