Arrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhggg… 

As expected, I have seen Lost Soul again. I knew it would be a matter of time. 

Today was my daughter’s thirteenth birthday. Scary. That’s all I will say. 

Part way through he turned up. Yes, there had been an issue last night at my sister’s house where they had a little get-together (I wasn’t there). And yes, apparently they needed to talk about it. He came through the gate and asked me if my sister and b.i.l were there. I said yes. He stood there whilst I spoke to a friend – I was sort of blocking the door. Eventually he said excuse me and I moved to one side. He purposefully touched my arm as he walked past and said thank you. What the ??!! 

I am thoroughly ashamed to say that I played my old game of ‘nonchalant ignorance’ . I act as if  he is not there but not in a passive aggressive way: no, I am the life and soul of the party. 

 As the last of the teenagers leave, my sisters suggest that we have a little get together of our own. He decides to join  us (one huge flaw in my plan as, by pretending he is not there, I didn’t hear his conversation so don’t hear how that decision comes about) and then goes off with my sister and b.i.l for supplies. 

I can’t help myself. Whilst he is gone, I take advantage of my son needing a shower and jump in too. I tidy my bedroom a little. I get changed into some casual but flattering clothing. By the time I’ve put my son to bed, they’re back. I continue to ignore him. In my head, I’m playing it cool, not showing how much I want him. And boy,  do I want him. Even in his casual clothes, just the sight of him makes me ache to be kissing him again. 

We all sit in the garden and we all chat happily.  I, again, purposefully do not lavish any attention on him but aim to be jovial. (I am well aware that this may appear calculating). Then, out if nowhere, he decides that he wants to go home. 

My battered ego flickers. Does he realise that I am ignoring him? Is this his countermove? Is he waiting for me to ask him to stay? Would he stay if I asked? Is he going because he thinks he has no chance of repeating our time together? Is he leaving because he knows my ex will be returning my daughter later tonight so doesn’t want to waste his time? 

Then my b.i.l thinks out loud that perhaps he should go home too. This time I make a fuss – not too much – but it results in my b.i.l deciding to stay. As LS leaves, he walks past me and again touches my arm as he says goodbye. I’m the only one he touched. 

When Lost Soul has gone, I ask why he left. My b.i.l says that he had twisted his arm and that LS half wanted an easy night. I note that he didn’t even drink half of his pint before leaving. 

Maybe he wanted an early night. Maybe he had enough alcohol the night before. Maybe he just didn’t want me to get ideas. 

Either way, he still has a power over me that I can’t resist. I still want him. 

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