Emptiness 

Believe it or not, depression is not one emotion. It is a rollercoaster of emotions that leave you feeling out of control. Most of the time, you have no real understanding of why you feel that way. That then adds a huge dollop of hopelessness on top to weigh you down further. 

Emptiness is the one I hate the most. It signifies resignation to the fact that I can’t change anything so I may as well not (allow myself to) feel anything. 

You trudge through the day world-weary and heavy limbed. The world is grey. You notice only that still greyness around you- nothing else catches your interest or imagination. You’re too tired to get angry or upset. You just plod on. 

Having successfully completed my CBT, I understand now that emptiness is both an avoidance and a coping mechanism. My mind, protecting my body from the ill effects of stress and anxiety, turns the switch to nought. 

I’m crying inside for the loss of him that never was. I’m so angry with myself for being so pathetic and weak and powerless. I’m frustrated that I can’t create a version on myself that I am proud of and that helps me get the life that I want. 

Seven months ago, I would have sank lower and lower into that emptiness: the sinkhole of empty emotions and avoidance. 

Today, I hide behind the emptiness, skirting around its depths,  because it makes those around me think that I am OK.  In being able to list how I feel, for you, I am showing that I have made some progress at least. 

The grey is swirling, showing glimpses of colours so iridescent that I cannot look. They dance in and out of sight, taunting me, teasing me, showing me that there is another way to live. I just need to learn how to reach out and touch them, allowing the colours to swirl and spread over me: a life of light and beauty and excitement that can be mine. I’m going to take my children with me. 

Thank you for listening. 

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