Purge

There’s a reservoir of tears in my head. The dam is holding steady but the pressure behind my eyes is intense. I want to cry but I can’t. I don’t know if it is my medication or self preservation or just sheer hope, but I cannot cry even though I’m desperate to.

I know I’m behaving irrationally. I know that I am acting like a complete child. I realise that I am simultaneously boring and worrying those around me. 

So WordPress, if I cannot cry out my feelings, I am going to have to purge myself in another way – by writing this down. Forgive me for boring you. I solemnly swear that this will be the last post on Lost Soul unless something actually happens. 

My heart is breaking all over again but this time it’s worse because hope is fading. 

I have got to accept that if he wanted me, he would have been in contact. It doesn’t matter whether I was cold to him or didn’t encourage him. If he really wanted me, he would fight for me. 

My friend suggested that I think about what it is about him that I find so appealing. 

I have had three, ‘long term’  serious relationships. I’ve had the excitement of a new relationships, a very healthy sex life and those intense feelings of new love. I’ve also had my heart broken by boys/men who have not wanted more than a night with me. 

No one, not one, has made me feel the way he has. First of all, of course, I find him physically appealing. And yet, it’s more than that. The sight of him makes me feel that there is an invisible cord from him to me that pulls me towards him. When I see him, I feel physically excited and nervous and sick at the same time. I have been attracted to men before – of course I have – but not like this. 

I felt comfortable in his company. I felt safe. I felt like I could talk to him about anything.  Somehow, he inspired the best of me. Being with him just felt comfortable and right as well as being exciting and intense. 

We were there when we needed each other.  

I spent years wondering whether I had imagined the chemistry. I couldn’t understand how I could find my soul mate and yet not be with him. 

I blame my weight, my age and my circumstances. I dream about losing all my weight and then falling into his arms. But then I am upset because if he truly loved me, my weight wouldn’t stop him from being with me. It’s easy to blame my weight. But I could lose it and he still might not want me. 

I’m ashamed of how I feel and how I can’t get over this after all this time. I’m scared that I will never be able to find this chemistry again. I don’t want to settle for anything less. I’m scared I’m going to love him for the rest of my life and yet mourn him too. 

I wish that I could wake up one day and forget all about him. You’d think after five years that I would be able to do that. I can’t. 

Why did he want to have sex with me, just once? Why did he remind me of how ill he was before he left? Why did he say “why did we wait so long to do this?” and then not be in contact? 

If I’d have had sex with him, would it be different now? Have my actions confused him? Although I know he has felt the same way, has he missed me? Has he thought about being with me at all? 

What am I to him? Nothing? 

I wish I understood all this. I want all these feelings and questions and doubts to disappear. 

I don’t want to regret him for the rest of my life. 

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2 thoughts on “Purge

  1. I have no words except I am listening to your voice, because you have one and it is strong and true. This is your gift and will heal you, hold you up, remind you of your worth. I have listened and will continue to as you blossom up out of this darkness. Xx
    Also, it’s just Shitty though isn’t it and I don’t reckon many people can say the right words here other than I hope it gets less shitty!

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    1. Thank you, your kinds words mean a lot. I’ve woken up with a headache today but I actually feel better in myself. I’ve just got to keep moving forward. Thanks for taking the time to respond. 😊

      Like

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