Forgive me

I’ve been wanting to write all day. I said I wouldn’t write about him anymore but I can’t help it.

Thoughts have been invading my head all day. They swirl in and out of my consciousness.

I can tell you with all honesty that I don’t want to think about him any more. I’m so tired of thinking and wondering and guessing. I feel juvenile. I’m actually boring myself.

I started to write a rather mundane post about what I have done today but I couldn’t finish it. It wasn’t heartfelt. It was a cover up – a mask intended to hide how I’m feeling.

The need to talk about what happened the other night is intense. In fact, I have already spoken about it to my sisters and brother in law.

The next morning, once Lost Soul had left, they were asking me what happened. They assumed due to us sharing a tent ‘bedroom’ and no doubt the time we had spent alone and with each other, that something intimate had happened.

I keep thinking about that. About the moment that he thought I was going in for a kiss. Would he have gone through with it if I had? The second time, when I actually was, he moved away! But I wouldn’t put it past him to have done that to save face – tit for tat.

That then gets me to thinking how immature this whole situation is. And how I had an opportunity to sort this out once and for all, but I didn’t do it right: I didn’t really allow him to speak or ask him questions. That’s really annoying, particularly when he wanted to talk too.

What I do know is that he is attracted to me and he feels the connection. I can’t tell you how calming that is. I’ve mentioned before about how many years I’ve dwelt on that – doubted my own senses and reasoning, believed that I had wished it rather than it actually being a truth.

But then, if we both feel that way, why is nothing happening? Why do I feel like I am suspended on the cusp of something potentially amazing but that I can’t have it?

I tell him that I don’t want or need a relationship. That I am independent, I can survive on my own. I tell him that because it is (almost) true but also because I want him to realise that I am not expecting him to step into my ex’s shoes. I don’t want a replacement.

If he did actually want a relationship with me, in addition to his low self-esteem, would this actually put him off rather than encourage?

During the talk when I said this, he replied with “but surely you don’t want to be alone? You want intimacy and cuddles…” He knows me well enough for this to be true. Why ask me what type of man I am looking for?

Why hold my hand?

Why hold me and caress me, only to then pull away?

I had a good talk with my b.i.l who said, “he’s conflicted.” What is he conflicted about??? When I mentioned the age gap during our talk he made it clear that there is no issue for him.

My b.i.l also said that Lost Soul changes significantly when I am around. I’m not imagining this ! My sister has also told him – and me now – that we have her blessing. She said that I am in a much better place this time. I didn’t realise this but it’s funny as Lost Soul had said something similar.

So, what do I want? What do I actually feel? And why do I feel the way I do?

I want to be with him, as in be in his company. I’m addicted to that feeling I have when I’m near him. I love that he challenges me, questions me. I love that he wants to talk about things I like as well as to share what he likes too.

I love how complete I feel when he’s touching me or when we kiss. The kissing is perfect. I want to have sex with him. But I’m so scared that it won’t be as I expect it will be. I’m scared he will hate my body as I do.

I’m scared of being in a relationship with him and it not working because if something that feels so good doesn’t work then I’m doomed to be alone forever. I’m scared that it would be truly amazing then he will end it and I will not survive.

I don’t always trust what he says because his need for self preservation is stronger than mine.

Do I really want a relationship of potential mind games?

My b.i.l says the only thing I can do is to take each do as it comes : try not to overthink and to just take each moment for what it is..

It’s a great plan. I just need to get my head on board.

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