Intimacy: part two

He was pretty drunk by this point – certainly more than me.

I’m not sure how it happened as such but soon we were hugging. I know he instigated it.

He started to talk and I felt that he was having his turn to talk about his feelings. Trying anyway – for whatever reason, he was occasionally cryptic and often went off on a tangent. The alcohol was not helpful although I wonder whether he would have attempted to talk without it.

He said that he was trying to be more open which was something we discussed at the music festival during my talk.

He said that he liked seeing me. He liked seeing my face.

He talked about last time and when I had got back with my husband. He said that he knew I was going to go back. He also said he didn’t like how it changed me.

He repeatedly told me he loves me – he tells close friends he loves them but not this frequently and not with this particular tone. I took each one with a huge pinch of salt though.

He was tender and caring. He kissed my head, cheeks and hands. He pulled me closer. He held my hand.

At one point, he lay on the couch with his head and cushion against my lap. He then asked me to lie with him.

He brushed my hair from my face. He still spoke but for whatever reason some of it was illegible. He did say that he didn’t like me with other people and that it made him jealous.

But there was no move to kiss me properly. If I made a move to sit up he would ask me to hug him again.

In the early hours of the morning, we ended up in bed. There was more of the same but no kissing or sex. He wore boxers and I had a soft top and knickers on. If I turned over, he would pull me back.

I kissed his shoulder, his face. I had my hands on his bare chest.

But nothing happened. He gave me a peck on the lips good night which was fraught with tension . Nothing else.

*********

I’ve taken a few days to write this post and much thinking has been done.

I can honestly say that in all the time I have known him, he has never been so intimate or tender and for so long. It really did feel like he was trying to tell me some of what he felt.

It was also clear that he had consumed far too much alcohol for this conversation to be easily understood. I’ll also admit that my own drinking prevented me from remembering some of what he said.

I felt… I felt close to him. We were skin close for hours and if I attempted to move away he would pull me back. There were a few times that I thought we were going to kiss properly but it never happened. I will not initiate kissing again after what happened last time.

Apart from a few brief mentions early in the night, the girl who he spoke about at the festival was barely mentioned. Not sure how she’d feel about this intimacy we shared. I honestly thought she was out of the picture until yesterday – why else would he do what he did?

The next morning, after my children had left with their dad, I went back upstairs and woke him up. He asked me to stay in bed whilst he went to the bathroom. I am wrong to have expected something to happen then?

When he returned he slapped my behind a couple of times and put his arm round me. He also suggested that we spent the day together but I reminded him that I was going out. This information changed him a little and we got up.

When I dropped him off home he gave me a friendly hug and a kiss and said he’d see me soon. He also commented jokingly that I was abandoning him to go walking.

I left, as always, as confused as ever.

I spent the day walking with my friend and I told her about what had happened. She thinks he is playing me and that I am holding out for nothing.

When I returned home I called my sister. As she was busy with my nephew, my brother in law answered and we chatted about my walk, before he out me on to Lost Soul who was also there. I was a little surprised as this was his third day of drinking. We chatted pleasantly and then he asked me repeatedly to come up to join him.. I told him that I needed to drop something off but couldn’t stay because of my children. He kept asking so I said I would see what I could do. I won’t deny that I was flattered by this and hoped that by asking me to come over he was wanting to continue our closeness.

When I turned up, everyone was outside smoking. When he saw me he said “oh no, look who it is.” I didn’t much care for his tone or his lame attempt to hide our closeness. I ignored him and spoke to my sister. It was clear he had been drinking again but he was merry rather than anything . Sensing my ignoring him, he stood up and walked over to hug me. He touched my hair and quietly said it looked nice before walking away.

I didn’t stay long but ended up having to take him home as he started vomiting. I remain concerned at his binge drinking.

When we got to his house another friendly hug ensued. I asked him to let me know how he know how he was. He said he didn’t have my number but when he checked, he did. I don’t know whether I believe him or not.

I haven’t heard from him. My brother in law told me an hour ago that they have been in contact and that Lost Soul has suggested another drinking and Xbox session. I was also informed that he thought that Lost Soul was going to Leeds to see that girl again at the weekend. As I said, I naively thought she was out of the picture.

So, where now?

Saturday night was different for us but at the same time, completely the same. I’m no clearer to what is going on and am confused as ever.

I’m annoyed he has not been in touch to let me know he is OK.

Three friends are now telling me that he is immature, a probable alcoholic and that I deserve better.

My heart is aching but I know they’re right. I do feel a little used.

I still don’t know how much my actions prevent him from making a move. My friend thinks he would do something anyway if he truly cared.

I feel a little like history is repeating itself. I can’t be bothered going through that.

So. Once again, I need to move on.

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