I feel sad today.
Why I can’t enjoy my last four days off with out thinking of going back to work, I dont know. It is hanging over me like a very black cloud.
I like being a teacher. I enjoy working with young people. I love seeing them develop and grow and know that I have played my part in that.
What I am not so keen on is the pressure and stress. I used to thrive on it. It made me stronger, more focused, more determined. Now, with my depression and anxiety, I just want to run away and hide from it. I know that within days of going back, that pressure will build again.
Yesterday I finally heard from Lost Soul. I checked my phone to see a missed call from an unknown number. After a while I decided to hide my number and call it. There was no answer.
About ten minutes later he text me asking if I would verify some documents for him. I agreed and he came round shortly after that.
I believe that I have said before that “I can be myself around him”. I now don’t believe that this is strictly true. For someone I am very attracted to and have a ‘connection’ with, there is little flirting. I like flirting. I’m told I’m quite good at it. And yet with him, it’s the opposite particularly when others are around. I often ignore him or don’t look at him. Classic trying to hide my feelings.
What would happen if I did flirt? Would it change how he interacts with me?
Fact is, he dictates how our friendship plays out. He decides whether we are hugging or kissing or sleeping alongside each other. I just have to play along at the time. For a control freak, I am doing a fine job of being doormat. Every day is an anticipation that some unknown thing is going to happen. Somethubg wonderfully which will make the humdrum melt away.
He is in my every waking thought. He invades my mind and my heart. I know that this situation is not right. I know that he will break my heart again, one way or another. But it is something I need to deal with as much as going back to work is. It’s life: you work, you love, you live.