I think that finally after six years of knowing him, I’m getting over Lost Soul.
It’s been a hidden process; one that my heart has undertaken whilst my mind has whirred on. I think it is the reason why my eating has not been good and why I’ve not felt myself.
Saturday night, my sister and brother-in-law had invited me over for a ‘wine and cheese’ night. I was looking forward to it: the chance to socialise with people normally outside of my social circle, in the comfort of my sister’s home etc.
I won’t deny that him being there wasn’t an enticement.
As the weekend came closer though, I find out that my brother-in-law was going out instead. The realisation that Lost Soul probably wouldn’t be there then didn’t hit me half as hard as I thought it would. Sure, I wanted to see him but it didn’t lessen my looking forward to socialising with others.
The night arrived and as I was getting ready I was surprised to see a text from him. Surprised because he had not responded to the last text that I had sent him a month ago. (Hey, we had decided to be friends, right?)
He was trying to get hold of my sister. I told him that we would be heading back to her house shortly. Then, nothing.
My sister arrived to pick me up. He was coming.
Of course my stomach was turning over. But at the same time, I was getting a little fed up of not getting a reply.
We picked him up and went to the shop to pick up last bits. I was pleased that, when my sister and I split up, he followed me. Pathetic isn’t it, but this is how desperate you get.
Driving back he came out with a few of his usual ‘smart-arsed-shock people in to laughter’ comments. I was bored. Same old, same old.
We got to my sister’s, unpacked and poured a glass of wine each. It was pleasant enough, but the anxious-anticipation wasn’t there. Sure, I’d made sure I felt and looked as good as I could. But that feeling just wasn’t there. When he name dropped his long distance ‘girlfriend’ again, I recognised it for what it was… And that was it.
People arrived. We talked, laughed, drank, ate. My sister’s friends are a musical bunch and soon the guitars were out and we were singing along. Except for him as he was still on the Xbox.
People began to leave. I’d had quite a bit of wine by then and I was starting to get a headache. My sister went to bed and there was only a few of us left and then it was just me and him waiting for my b.i.l to return.
And then? I feel asleep. Yes, you really read that. I feel asleep. Left him sat there alone. I woke slightly when he put a blanket on me (yes, that was sweet) and then later when a neighbour came back as she had seen the light was still on at 4am.
We chatted for a while but, my head getting worse, I soon went back to sleep. They moved to the kitchen and I heard them occasionally as they spoke or went outside to smoke.
I knew it likely that there was flirting. Maybe kissing too. I didn’t care. I couldn’t be bothered with it all. Again. Same old, same old.
Morning arrived. They had stayed up all night. My sister came down the stairs and was clearly surprised that they were still there. (My b.i.l hadn’t come home but that’s another story).
My head was excruciating now and I just continued to lie on the couch. Lost Soul and the Neighbour had moved into the living room and I watched them to see if there was something going on. I decided there probably was. She sat too close to him for first acquaintances. But then he would get up and sit/lie next to me. She wasn’t happy about that. But I didn’t care either way.
And it hit me, there and then. I felt like someone was repeatedly striking my head with an axe, but the overwhelming feeling was that I just didn’t care about his bullshit anymore.
I muttered a few times that I was going home and he kept asking me not to leave. Sure, I questioned that a little. Maybe if I had given him more attention, more would have happened. But I had no regrets there. I had no regrets.
I realised that this situation is unlikely to change. He has not changed. He is immature, impulsive, a game-player and very possibly a drunk. I can do better. I deserve better.
Finally, that is a good feeling.