It has been a funny old week.
Last weekend should have been my tenth wedding anniversary. I expected to feel something but actually didn’t feel anything. We had decided to make it a family day instead: go out for a meal together with the children and celebrate our family as it is now. It didn’t quite work out as my youngest was ill but we had take away which was still nice.
This week is also the anniversary of our separation. We’ve been separated for a year now. I still believe whole heartedly that it was the right decision.
Unfortunately, not much has changed in the past year. He is still living in a tiny room at his mum and dad’s. The majority of his belongings are still boxed up and lying around my house. I haven’t decorated or changed the house much. I’m still single. I’m still overweight.
I have, however, come out the other side of a depressive black hole. I’ve managed to work full time as an assistant headteacher and look after three children, six days a week. I have started to create a social life for myself and have been to some amazing places.
I feel more at peace than I have done in years. Life is still tough at times but I am not unhappy. It’s a good start.
Today, my kids and I have been to a Halloween party. It was fun and they had a great time.
Interesting, an ‘old flame’ (to be honest, it was more like a waning candle) was there from my first Separation six years ago. Cue the flashback:
There was a party and we had all been having a great time. Biker decided that he wanted more alcohol. When I realised that he planned to drive to get some, already having had a few, I ran out to the front of the house and stopped him as he was about to get into the car.
A conversation ensued, (I can’t remember what was said but I think I was ranting) next thing I knew, he had me up against the wall and we were kissing passionately. It was so hot.
We went into my living room and there was more kissing. And then the age difference caught up with me. He was quite a bit younger than me. How could he possibly want me? This was the alcohol talking. I pushed him off me.
We talked. He told me that he found me attractive and sexy and thought that I could be good for him, put him on the straight and narrow. I didn’t believe him.
He was so cute – tall, dark and with big blue eyes with long lashes. He worked hard, was a lovely person. But he liked drink too much, sometimes took other stuff and was too young – I’m his 20s as I was in my early 30s. I was fresh out of a marriage with a man with issues. I’d recently met Lost Soul and was hoping something would happen there. So, after dragging myself away again from his soft lips and passionate kisses, I declined and we went to find the others.
I have seen him rarely over the past six years. I was told that for a while he was in a bad place due to issues with his family. In the last few years however he has been much happier and now has a partner and young children.
It was great to see him tonight – he looked really well – and he was as nice as I remembered. I am happy that life is working out for him.
What I did find interesting though, was his partner.
Although we didn’t look alike in a weird way, we are similar. We both have long dark hair and are a similar size. And it made me realise that perhaps he had liked me all those years ago, I hadn’t been just a drunken opportunity – maybe he had found me attractive.
It is an interesting thought and one I’m going to try to remember the next time an attractive man is passionately kissing me and offering me a relationship.