Everyone and no-one

Interestingly, last night I ached to be touched. Considering my default position in the last week has very much been that I want to hibernate away from the world, this was unexpected.

As I lay in bed, I wanted to feel the warmth of someone beside me. I wanted the feel of their skin on mine, their breath caressing me rhythmically and the smell that is uniquely theirs. I wanted arms wrapped around me and legs intertwined.

As I read this back, I can see how some people could find this description sexual but believe me when I say that is the last thing I’m trying to describe. I’m thinking more about sensual intimacy and that feeling of vulnerable closeness that you only get when you given yourself heart and soul to someone. But there is no-one.

I know I am not in the right place to try to find love. And in the cold light of day, another person to have to answer, to explain, to interact with… well, that’s the last thing I need. I’m tired of trying to explain my downfall. I’m sick of hearing how tired I look or how pale I am. Everyone around me is being very supportive but somehow that makes it harder. I see pity and worry in their face and it makes me feel guilty. Makes me feel weak.

Strangely, everyone keeps telling me that they ‘saw this coming’ and that ‘you haven’t been yourself for a while’.

Did no-one think of telling me earlier!?

Sure, I felt pretty exhausted recently and I was clinging on to coping with all that I had, but I had put this down to circumstances… Winter…dad being ill… New role in work…. I don’t know. I suppose I felt no real difference to how I feel from time to time normally, just a bit more tired. I thought a good sleep was all I needed and perhaps some time to sort a few things out that I hadn’t had time to do (still haven’t if I am being honest). A breakdown/meltdown/burnout was not even contemplated. And yet everyone else seemed to see this coming.

Somehow though the pressure of time is still there despite being signed off. I do not want to be off work but am well aware that I need to be off. There’s two weeks to Christmas and I feel panic that I need to sort myself out before then. Ridiculous, hey?

Where do I begin? Where do I start to untangle the complexities of my life? How can I make my life simpler whilst trying to maintain a good quality of life? Did I have a good quality of life? Lots of unanswerable questions.

The biggest one being of course how I can be so lonely and yet want so desperately to be alone. The madness that is madness.


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