Time

My depression/breakdown, or whatever else you want to call it, is plodding on. I’m getting some ok days and so fewer bad days now. I need to sit and rev myself up to do anything, but it’s a start.

Sleep is causing an issue though. Strangely, increasing the dose has not helped me fall asleep any better but I wonder if my increased anxiety is the cause of this: I dread going to bed some nights as I just don’t want to think. However, once I am asleep, I am out for the count – no more waking up. The difficulty then is actually getting up and staying awake, particularly on the few days where I have tried taking the full 30 dose. I cannot keep myself awake and have no motivation to do anything.

I know I have to really give the tablets time but I am beginning to wonder whether they need to be changed. Perhaps they could give me something else for my insomnia??

I’ve been off two weeks and it feels like months. Time has slowed. Is this what people mean when they talk of a different pace of life? If so, it is scary how much of my life is whisked away in a cloud of stress and over-activity. But, like the millions of other working mums out there, I have no choice. The alternative is severely altering our quality of life and moving into a much smaller house in the middle of town.

It’s not that I don’t like my job. I do. I question whether I made the right decision when I went for the promotion. My two bosses are happy with me but I still don’t feel like my heart is in this role. Should I change job? How can I when I’ve now had this time off? How will I ever find a role that pays what I currently earn?

A slower pace of life is just giving my mind more time to whirr. But maybe that is the point. I need this time to think to work out how I can make life better, easier, manageable. One thing’s for sure, I’ve not found the answers yet.

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