It was promising to be a beautiful day this morning. I dropped the children off at school and, as always, took the scenic route back. You drive down winding country lanes surrounded by farmers’ fields. You make a right turn, appreciating the large detached house on your left with its high metal gates and extensive grounds. You come to a cross roads with a gorgeous little gate house on the corner (I’ve not worked out which stately home it belongs to yet). You then turn down a lane with a wood on your left and open fields on your right. It is so beautiful on a sunny morning with pheasants strolling around and the sunlight catching the trees.

So, I decided that I would go home, make a flask of coffee and pick up my journal and then go to a local country park. I might even get out the car. ☺

But when I got home I could see that dad was up so I went in to give him his medicines and to say hello. Then I tidied the living room and emptied the dishwasher. And I might as well throw the vacuum cleaner around too. And put some laundry on the airer. And before you know it, the blue sky has disappeared behind a hazy grey and I’m not as inclined to venture out.

I didn’t go out as planned yesterday. I don’t know why. I wanted to go like I wanted to go this morning. I wandered round the house aimlessly with dad commenting that he had not seen me so agitated before. In the end, my sister and I went to the shops together, briefly. I can manage shops.

In the evening though I met up with my friend. I’d not seen her for three weeks and she is the one person who has stayed in contact, sending me inspirational messages. She’s my walking buddy and Road trip pal. So, I pulled myself together and picked her up.

We went to a retail park and browsed. She encouraged me to buy a perfume I liked. We then went for some food.

I had a nice time, but I didn’t. I got fed up half way round my favourite shop which isn’t like me. I knew I was quiet but didn’t know what to say. That it turn makes you annoyed with yourself. My friend was fantastic and filled the silences. She commented that I had been quiet but that it was ok and that I had done well to get out. Baby steps.

I was exhausted when I got home and frustrated with myself. I’ve got to snap out of this current reluctance to leave the house. Whichever way you look at it, it’s not doing me any good.

Next week I have my doctors appointment, welfare meetings at work and counselling. And at some point, the decision of whether it is time to go back to work. I’ll have to get out the house then 😊.


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