Routine and indecision

Is that title an oxymoron? Not quite.

Yesterday was a good day. I had a really sleepy morning – couldn’t get going for some reason – and then at 10am I made myself get off the couch. This led to a productive day: tidying, cleaning etc.

I have family members who are obsessive cleaners. They enjoy it. It is a huge part of every day. One cousin’s house is like a show home – two children under eight and yet those cream carpets are still cream and there’s not a thing put of place. It’s a large, modern house and she has it decorated beautifully. She is also a teacher but each holiday she decorates.

My house is very different. First of all, my shelves are filled with ornaments, pictures etc – items that mean something to me. No minimalism here. So, the little carved animals that my dad makes, scented candles, silk flowers from my sister’s wedding, a photo frame: all on the same shelf. And then repeated. Too much? Probably, but I can’t bring myself to get rid of anything. So add that to an old, small house without storage and three children and you get my home. And then you understand part of my conflict…I want a tidy house, I want a show home. But that would mean clearing out so many memorable things and a cleaning regime I have no time for (how does my cousin do it???)

I read a great post recently about clearing out your past. You can read it here:

It got me thinking about the drawers and cupboards and boxes of my past that I need to sort through.

Since my medication changed and I have started to feel better I have got myself into a much better routine. I’ve started to sort through those scary drawers. My house is cleaner and tidier.

So this morning, when all I wanted to do was drown in my melancholy, in bed, in the lead up to my 11.30am welfare meeting at work, I made myself follow my routine. And it felt good.

Fact is though, I still haven’t sorted the rest of my life out. As recommended by counsellors, family and friends – How am I going to make my life easier, more manageable? It’s all very well having a tidy and clean house now but at the moment I am off work. A stay at home mum. This is not the reality of my life.

There is no way in this world that I would give up main custody of my children. Ever. But when he gets his house, perhaps things will become easier.

This is my dad’s home, his sanctuary. He is going nowhere.

I love my job. I can’t afford to leave it or go part time. I’m good at my job….. When I’m well.

So, what do I do? How do I make it easier? Some tough thinking needs to be done and I can’t keep putting it off. Just like this morning, I need to make myself do it and force myself into facing up to – and conquering – the difficulties in my life.

When I started writing this blog it was to document how I was going to change my life now that I was a single, working mum.


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