Indeterminate

Have you ever had one of those itches? You know the ones I mean, the ones that seem to move. Perhaps you ask a loved one to scratch it for you…

“Up a bit… No, left, no… Right a bit. Ugh it doesn’t matter.”

Its wily. It skirts on the edge of knowing, taunting you… frustrating you.

I have this feeling (not an itch, stick with me) that I can’t describe. My mind tests various possibilities , trying desperately to name what it is. To understand it, soothe it.

It isn’t the now-familiar pang or ache of anxiety. But it is equally unsoothable, unscratchable,

And, naturally, because I haven’t found the answer, I’m going to struggle to explain it. But I will try to describe it.

It feels a bit like a longing or a need but for something I don’t know or haven’t heard of. It’s one moment the feeling you get just before you cry; the next, a hint of anticipation for something neither good nor bad: a sudden memory that something is happening. It’s being on edge because of that: a need to move or do something. It’s bordering on a craving.

I’ve had this feeling a few times over the past week. It’s dizzying, like being on a pendulum. Should I take a beta blocker? Have a glass of wine or some food? Water? A bath? Clean the fridge? Find someone to cuddle or have sex with?

It’s unnamed and unknown. And it passes as it arrives: unexpectedly.

Any ideas? (or am I completely losing it! 😊)

One thought on “Indeterminate

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