I had my first session of telephone Bereavement councilling yesterday.
I don’t feel any better. But then, I didn’t expect to.
What it achieved, was that I verbalised how I feel inside. That’s it. The Councillor, well she annoyed me. Her soothing voice seemed so insincere. The way she kept saying my name at the end of each sentence – so fake.
I miss my Dad. I can’t accept he is gone. I feel like I’m living a false life, an alternative universe. I feel dead inside, like I’m going through the motions. I will never, never accept that he is gone. I don’t want to live the rest of my life without him. It scares me. I don’t want to do it, but I don’t have a choice.
When Dad’s first wife died, he carried on. He had us. I can’t give up. But it feels wrong to carry on without him. My faith that I will see him again, that he is watching over me, comforts and scares me. It hits me that it is false, a lie, a pretence. Yet I still believe. I have to.
I miss you Daddy. I love you each and every day as if you were still here. My heart doesn’t accept that you’re gone. It never will.