Turmoil

This blog post has been really hard to write. I don’t know where to start or how to explain the confusion and feelings I have had today.

About half an hour ago my son asked me if I was OK. He said I was ‘acting weird’ and my daughter agreed as she walked past. I asked them to explain and they said that since they’d got home from their Dad’s, I’d been more loving and calm than usual, and happier. I was astounded. Apart from being exhausted and pleased to see them as usual, I didn’t know what to attribute it to. Except, perhaps, for the effects of my time with Lost Soul last night. There’s a warmth radiating from my solar plexus that can only have come from my time with him.

After only four hours sleep I awoke at my usual time this morning. As could only be expected, the events of the previous night with Lost Soul were immediately in my mind. No doubt aggravated by lack of sleep and a looming hangover, the array of thoughts and feelings which flooded my sleep-deprived mind was overwhelming.

Disbelief came on pretty quickly. How had it happened again? How was I back in that situation after all my promises to stay away?

I quickly acknowledged that this one is obvious. Anyone who has read my blog will know how I feel about Lost Soul, even after all these years. No matter what has happened or how much I tell myself that there is no future between us, I can’t turn off how I feel about him.

However I did not expect him to act the way he did last night. My post, Strong, shows that: I acknowledge that so much of this comes from my own head.

If I believe what he said, he wanted to be with me almost as soon as he arrived. He certainly made comments through out the night to suggest he was attracted to me. But then there was the unprovoked conversation where he told me that he was purposefully staying away because he didn’t want to harm our friendship. Shortly after that, he upped his attentions to me and started making open propositions for us to spend the night together. Confused? Me too.

I didn’t know how to react to him. I want to be with this man and have done for a long time. But I’m so confused about his feelings for me and my feelings for him that I can’t trust our decision making. I don’t know what is going on.. So how can I make a good decision?

He’s never pursued me as persistently as he did last night – in words anyway. He said that he wouldn’t make a move on me without me giving him the go ahead. I just couldn’t and he didn’t.

Why not? I want him. He wanted me. We are both single, consenting adults. We are both attracted to one another. We get on well and understand each other. Why wouldn’t I let myself be intimate with him?

I suppose I wanted the sensual intimacy first. The slow build up. The kissing and caressing. Why didn’t he kiss me until the end? Was he waiting for me to make the move? Why didn’t I? Why didn’t I? Only when I went to kiss his cheek right as his taxi arrived did he kiss me tenderly, sensually on the lips.

Does he want to try a ‘relationship’ of some kind or was this just a one night stand? Does he want to be FWBs? Was this a symptom of his loneliness and recent relationship break-up or was this an opportunity to start something between us?

Am I just out of practice? Is this how relationships start nowadays – straight into sexual intimacy? Open, honest acknowledgement of sexual desire which may or may not lead into something else? Perhaps he knows no other way to start this, if that’s what he is actually doing. We already know we get on and enjoy spending time with each other.

Have I stopped this from proceeding again? Why did I do that? What would have happened if I had gone ahead?

What do I actually want?

Although I know I am attracted to him, I am never fully prepared for the surge of desire I feel when I see him. I want him. I want to touch his body and run my fingers through his hair. I want to kiss him. Everywhere.

If it was just sexual desire then why would I not take advantage of his own desirous advances? I know he is attracted to me.

I’m self conscious and I’m not sure why exactly. I have not had many sexual partners but I am not inexperienced either. I’ve had one night stands but always with someone I knew or had met a few times first. In the past I have been confident in my sexuality and desire. I’m no prude nor a wallflower.

I have standards though. I don’t want to feel used. I’m OK with sex as sex when it is clear that there is desire for me and care, even if this is a no-strings situation. At the same time though, that was me in my early 20s. I’m now in my late 30s. I’ve had three children and have the body to show it.

I’ve not been intimate with anyone for a long time. My marriage was sex-less in the last few years and I have not had a relationship since we separated. That’s nearly five years worth of celibacy. Wow, I didn’t realise it was that long.

This doesn’t explain what I want though.

Would I have a one night stand with him if that’s what was offered?

I don’t know. I’m intrigued about our compatability and the ‘spark’ between us. I’ve not let myself go around him so this would be a chance to. I’m scared either one of us would be disappointed.

Do I want a relationship with him?

I want to be with him, is that the same thing? I feel alive when I’m near him, like something has awoken inside me. I know how well we get along together I have wondered for a long time how that would feel in a relationship. Would we continue to be better people because we are together – inspiring each other to greatness.

Or is this all a case of wanting what I can’t have – the fantasy being better than the reality. We’ve been in this slow game for seven years, with moments when we have both been in relationships, both been single or only one of us single. I just want to know.

Do I want a FWB arrangement then?

I wish I had the confidence for that. It would be ideal in some ways as the no strings would mean that we both knew where we stood but we could each other’s company and intimacy.

But I love him so that won’t work. He makes me laugh, think. He makes me feel alive. We could be so amazing together. We’d be best friends and lovers and enjoy this world to the full.

Or it could all be in my head. Or we’re both so scared so we will never find out.

We have text each other throughout the day which has been great. Maybe he has made me happier today.

God help me.

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