Glum musings

I feel so meh today. It’s my first day back in work and I’ve not had a bad day as such but I’m missing my freedom. Just like the rest of the working population I suppose. 😩. Are there people out there who genuinely enjoy their job and look forward to going in?

Silly question as I once enjoyed going into work. Not anymore. I’m not sure what the root of this is as such – changes in education, dissatisfaction in my role, bereavement, complacency – probably all of them.

I’m tired too which is never a good start to the working week. All self inflicted but I enjoyed myself.

No contact from Lost Soul today but I wasn’t expecting it. Hoping for it, slightly, but not surprised when I didn’t. I’ve been here before, remember? So many times.

I think that was part of the problem on Saturday night. I’ve been there before. I didn’t believe it. I can’t allow myself to believe and have hope. I have to see through it all and see it as an emotional whim. If it’s not, surely we’d be together?

And that’s it. If two people are attracted to one another, enjoy each other’s company, understand and support each other, inspire each other… And are free to be together, well then why wouldn’t they be?

Or is it that I just want to be proved right? That I want to validate my opinions on love after the disappointment of an unhappy marriage?

What’s worse is that I know he likes me too. Would it be different if I let myself go? Allowed myself to show him how I feel? When I’m with him, I’m emphasising the friend-me and hiding the in-love me. I don’t know how to be the ‘in between’ with him.

I don’t know how to finish this post. I’m going round in circles.

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