Thoughtless

Disclaimer: by reading this post you might believe that I am feeling sorry for myself. You would be absolutely right.

I’m on my own and I haven’t cried.

Well, I tell a lie, two tears ran down my melancholy cheeks. Hardly crying. Melancholy is pretty accurate though. The light’s gone out again.

I feel like a fool. Have I been so mistaken for so long? About him and/or his feelings? What must I seem to him now – some fat, pathetic 38 year old chasing him.

There was always hope, you see. I was so confident in my feelings, our bond and connection, that I thought one day he would realise. Admit how he felt. See that I was there, right in front of his eyes.

I have written in the past about this conflict of feelings. When I first met him years ago and he behaved in a somewhat similar way, I walked away and started online dating. I hated every moment of it but thought that it was the only way to get over him. I decided that I had been wrong. There was no such thing as soul mates. The connection I had felt for Lost Soul was a projection on my part – wishful thinking perhaps. Imagined. I met someone paper perfect but I just couldn’t love him. We dated for six months but I knew it wasn’t right.

Some time after that and months of being single, I then came to the conclusion that love was earned. Find a good man, one who loves you, and work for that relationship. Work through the hard times, work for mutual respect, work to support one another. On the sidelines through our eighteen month separation, my husband had waited for me. A good man who loved me.

I knew within months that I was wrong again. I worked hard regardless. But I didn’t love him that way anymore. The problems we once had were still there and no amount of work on my part was changing that. We separated again four years later. We are still good friends but I know with hand on heart that whilst I made the right decision in trying again ending it finally was the right thing to do.

Lost Soul has weaved his way into my life throughout this time. His attentions towards me, and the connection I believe we shared, made me feel all the same feelings again. Perhaps, one day, it would be the right time for us.

Don’t mistake me, I’m not saying that I think he was my happily ever after. More that I couldn’t believe that feelings like that could be denied without exploration. It would either be a long love or a passionate, heated affair that would burn out relatively quickly. I’ve had neither. I was convinced of his feelings for me but never that anything would happen. Hoped is probably more accurate.

So what is left?

I know I can’t face online dating again.

There’s no potential lurking in the future any more. He doesn’t want me and apparently never has.

I’ve been single now for two and half years. I’m beginning to doubt I will find anyone now. How can I trust someone?

I can’t trust any of my judgements anymore. I can’t trust my heart or my intuition. I can’t trust the words of a man who I felt knew me, inspired me and yet would lead me on and hurt me this way. And for what? Ego? Power? Self-satisfaction?

I let myself dream of what it might be like to be with him. This week there has been a spring in my step, lightness in my heart. Not any more.

I can’t cry because in the grand scheme of things, this in no way compares to losing my Dad. It hurts yes. I feel dull, sad, lost. But I can’t grieve what I have never had – I can’t grieve a dream. I just don’t know what to dream next.

4 thoughts on “Thoughtless

  1. Oh, I’m so sorry. Please do trust yourself, and your intuition. What you’ve seen is that he hasn’t got enough backbone to stand up to what he has said, neither to the negative things (if he’d stand up to them he wouldn’t have kept coming back) nor to the positive things, else he would have been at your side a lot more. In the end, you had/have a connection, but he is not grown up enough, courageous enough, ready to act with integrity and reliability, or whatever else it is. As you said, you neither want a friend who thinks it’s OK to lead you on, nor do you want a partner who does not or cannot stand up to his feelings to you, connection or no connection.
    I wish we could have that cup of tea together…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. When I’m calm, that’s how I see it too. As my sister said, whatever the truth is – do you really want to be with someone who behaves like that? And of course I don’t. The rosy-tinted glasses have come off a bit. I’m angry at how he has behaved but I think more angry with myself for romanticising the situation so and allowing his words and actions to affect me so. Closure it is, finally, which was the whole point of the conversation in the first place.
      I wish too! Maybe one day.

      Like

  2. Recently found your blog and been reading in anticipation that lost soul would ‘man up’ and you’d find your happy ever after.
    You’ve done nothing wrong. He’s played with your feelings, I wish I knew why they did this to us.
    I seem to attract this kind of guy too, wasting too many years on the dream of what I thought was going to happen. To have my heart broken.
    Stay strong.

    Liked by 1 person

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