Unwanted, thoughts and feelings.

I was angry, now I’m numb. I know there will be tears later but that will be when I’m alone.

At 9.30am I sent him a friendly text asking him of he wanted to do something later.

He replied that he was going on a date and what was I up to.

And I quote, from a recent post:

I know from past history that after a night of emotional and physical closeness, he often disappears (another way Mumslovelife was correct). This can be physically – I don’t see him for a while – or emotionally, he will pull away and start talking of a new girl he is interested in or even an old one he claims to still want. It’s often overdone and obvious. I can see how this is a way of protecting himself after he has shown his vulnerability to me, particularly when I have then refused him the physical intimacy he has asked for.

I wasn’t surprised by his response. He may well have a date. He may not.

I did my usual – acted nonchalant. I said I was at a loose end, no kids etc.

He asked what my sister was up to.

Adrenaline was pumping. This was my opportunity. I didn’t want to do this over text but I needed to do get this out in the open.

I told him he was missing the point. That I wanted to spend time with him and see where things go, that we’d played around for too long.

The conversation went on for a while. The upshot is, he says he doesn’t feel for me in that way. He has apologised for leading me on, claims I am a ‘dear friend’ and nothing else.

I said that dear friends do not treat each other that way repeatedly. He admitted he had behaved badly but said he didn’t mean to be.

I don’t need to go in to the rest.

It would have been enough for him to say that he didn’t want to take it further and he didn’t think it would work. That would have hurt but I would have had some dignity at least. Instead he has made me look like a love-sick idiot. Like I have imagined the whole thing.

What can I say that doesn’t make me sound bitter?

Either he is a truly horrible person who has repeatedly played on my feelings – friends don’t do that which ever way you look at it – or he is hiding his feelings and willing to make me feel even worse in the process. I’m wrong about him in both senses.

I can’t believe that I’ve imagined it. I can’t believe all these people who have seen us together have been wrong. I don’t believe that he has lied when he has spoken about his feelings. I can’t explain why he has done what he has done though.

So maybe I am wrong.

All I know, is this has destroyed my fragile ego even more and made me feel all the more lonely.

It had to be done though. No more wondering and reading into everything. He either does feel that way and doesn’t care or does feel that way and doesn’t want me. Neither feel good and I have to move on. Forget about him, somehow. It was all in my mind.

Someone out there will want me, one day.

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