Dreams

From pexels

I had planned to take the dog out this morning and continue with my exercise plan. Unfortunately, despite the favourable weather forecast, there are heavy winds and rain. Looks like it will be a quick walk and long dry-off afterwards.

I feel… I actually can’t think of an adequate word. Sort of fed up, sort of irritated, resolute and disappointed, all in one.

I woke up in the middle of a dream this morning. Initially I was annoyed I’d woken up because I was enjoying the dream. And then I thought about it and now I feel the above.

I can’t remember it all but I know I was at home even though it didn’t look exactly like my home. There were lots of people here because we were going on holiday the next day. Lost Soul was here too.

In my dream we were intimate and it was passionate and heartfelt. When it ended though, it didn’t look like him (although this was a waking observation). In my dream it was him. But then he left unexpectedly and said he wasn’t coming on holiday with us.

I continue to get ready for the holiday when suddenly he returns with his ‘mum’ who again doesn’t look like his mum in real life. She talks to me while he is outside on his phone – he is coming on holiday now. In my dream I know he is talking to another girl and I’m happy he’s there but scared that he is going to betray me.

I’ve always believed that dreams are a way of our mind to process information in a way that our ‘awake’ mind is unable to do as it is too stimulated.

If that’s true, then my mind is telling me that I may never know the real Lost Soul because he hides behind a mask. That I could have been intimate with him and it may have been amazing but that doesn’t mean that he would have stayed with me. I think he will always be in and out of my life but I can never trust him- his search for the ideal woman will continue because he is not even sure what that ideal is.

I know all this to be true, in my morning reflection. And it has made me feel that. Whatever word that is.

I know I’m feeling more and more that I’m ready to meet someone. I just need to get myself to a place where I feel confident again. Despite my regular daydreams and hopes that I meet someone as I go to the shops or walk the dog etc etc, I’m beginning to acknowledge that Internet dating might be the only way forward. And I’m dreading it. This is not just a way to get past this with him but because I want to be with someone.

I want to be in love again.

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