I cancelled the date this morning. I’d struggled to sleep worrying about it and when the heavy wind and rain woke me in the night, I thought about it again.
With only a slight hesitation for ‘what if’ I text him an honest apology and brief explanation. I then unmatched with everyone and put my account on perma-snooze.
Whatever urge I had to online date has now disappeared. I blame Lost Soul, well, because I can. He awakened feelings in me that I craved to feel with someone else as he was unwilling to nurture them. They’ve now gone back to sleep as the time we had together has drifted further and further away.
I don’t miss him. You can’t miss what you haven’t had. All my hopes for something with him have gone and I’m OK with that. He’s never going to be the person I thought he was: time has shown me that.
There’s a part of me that still fears being alone. I think of the time when my kids are older and leading their own lives. I think about waiting for their phonecall or their car to pull into my drive. I think about lonely nights and quiet days.
But who says it is going to be like that?
It’s been a long time since I have felt desired. Since I have felt the true heat of a kiss or the warmth of a body holding mine tenderly in the night. I want that again, someday, but it is not everything.
I am fiercely independent. I am gaining my strength back. I don’t need a man financially. I don’t particularly need one socially either. I have many loving people around me.
I’m valuing time on my own so much more than I used to. My breakdown taught me that. My life revolved around others for so long: so long that I burnt out. I’ve learnt to say no. To enjoy the quiet stillness of being alone. I’ve had to. I’m building up better routines for exercise and selfcare and my weight is slowly dropping. This needs to continue until I find the confident woman I once was.
At the same time, my children need me at the moment, more than usual. Two of them are going through their own personal battles and I need to be there for them. Whilst Dad was ill, there was always a part of me absent. I’m slowly learning to live with the part of me he took with him when he died. The rest of me needs to prioritise them now, whilst they need me.
I don’t want to online date. I know that now. At this moment in time, it’s not what I need nor what I need to focus on. I’m open to love, open to a relationship, but I know that true happiness comes from within.
I wish I could be the confident modern woman who finds the pleasure she needs from casual relationships, but I’m not. I’m also not willing to waste any more of my time – or anyone else’s for that matter – on this ridiculous online search for perfection. I don’t believe that can be found on the Internet, for most of us ordinary folk anyway.
I’m going to prioritise myself and my children. I’m going to be there for them when they’re with me. And when I’m alone, I’m going to keep working on being the best person I can, in the best life I can make. I’m going to do things I enjoy and be the healthy, fulfilled person everyone should strive to be. And somewhere, maybe, whilst doing that, I could meet someone who loves what I love, and who may one day love me.
And if I don’t? Well I will be happy anyway, so what will it matter?
Via search on Google.