I feel like a bit of an idiot at this moment in time. But as I’m the only one who knows I was an idiot, I suppose it doesn’t matter.
The night started off well. I’ve been looking forward to going out with my long-time best friend who I see every couple of months or so. Her newer friend who lives around the corner from her came too.
We’ve all been out before. Usually we have a good time. Usually she goes quiet when she’s had a few drinks and then me and my friend can talk.
I wasn’t keen on her when I first met her. But over time I have got to like her a lot more and enjoy her company.
They both picked me up and on the way to the restaurant I told them that I’d felt a bit off the last few days – unsettled, anxious even, and a little tearful.
As I said, the evening started off well. We had a few drinks in a winebar before we walked the short distance to the restaurant. This is where it started.
My friend and I have always joked with each other. It’s always been in good humour and nothing serious. It certainly started out that way.
But as the night went on, it carried on – from both of them. I think my friend sensed it was beginning to annoy me, but her friend continued. By this point we had eaten but she was drunk and loud.
I made comments. I said ‘it was funny the first ten minutes but it hadn’t been for the last three hours’ but to no avail. It continued.
By time we arrived at my friend’s house at 9.30pm, I’d had enough. I sipped my drink and stayed quiet. Still it continued. I decided I was ready for home.
My friend’s husband had offered to take me home and my friend usually comes too. Unfortunately for me, we had another passenger. And still it continued.
At this point we had stopped for petrol and my friend’s husband was paying. The joke was made – again – and the raucous laughter followed. When he returned, my friend commented that “*** isn’t half picking on ustome. I was but then I stopped but *** has carried on.” My friend said this in jest also I think but I’d truly had enough by now. I turned to look out of the window and unwanted tears ran down my face.
I don’t think they saw. No one mentioned it. Not long after, my friend and I had a reasonable conversation whilst the other was very quiet sat next to me. Maybe she did know.
I don’t think in any way either were purposefully being nasty. But they crossed a line – one of them repeatedly – and didn’t see that I’d had enough.
I know I’m feeling sensitive at the moment. I’ve seen a few pupils from school recently and I’ve heard them shout me. I’ve not heard exactly what they’ve said but my mind has jumped to the negative as I’ve looked at their grinning faces.
Tomorrow I have my first date scheduled. I don’t want to go. He seems nice enough but we have only chatted a few days. He asked me to meet up and I decided that this was better than weeks of chatting, only to realise they are not who you thought when you finally meet. I’ve been there before.
But I’m feeling too sensitive. I’m paranoid about being stood up. I’m worried he will see me and make a nasty comment in person or after by message. Unfortunately, and pathetically, the lettuce comment has stayed with me. I know it was a troll just as I know that the other two men who told me how attractive I was before quickly disappearing aren’t worth a second thought. I’m not bothered by the rejection, it’s more how it could be done. Staying home with my dog and my fire seem so much more appealing right now.