For the first time in weeks, I’ve woken up with chest-squeezing anxiety of an unknown source. I’ve tried deep breaths, positive thinking and a walk outside but I can’t seem to shake it.
This is the worst type of anxiety in my opinion. Mainly because when you know what is causing it, you can think it out or talk it out. CBT working at its best.
It is probably an accumulation of things which is why my tried and tested solutions are not working.
Prepare yourself reader…
I woke up worrying about the health of my youngest. I had a bad dream about my Dad which is lingering. The aftermath of my 39th birthday. I feel old. As requested, I sent Lost Soul a message when we arrived in France. He hasn’t replied. I’m worried that I’m getting arthritis in my knees like my mum and I’ve eaten far too much this holiday so I’m putting weight on again which will make it worse. I don’t know what we are going to do today and I know my children will want to go somewhere and I’m feeling the pressure and the fear. I’m worried about how much money I’m spending. I feel like crying and I’m not sure why. I’m probably pre-menstrual. I’m not sure how I can repay the true kindness of my friend who has let me use her holiday home for nothing – I’m strategically replacing everything we’ve used but it doesnt seem enough. Am I going to manage to drive to the airport tomorrow. Will my eldest two be OK if I leave them in the house alone while I go? I’ve ran out of newspaper for the fire and I really do not want to go to the shop again today. I want to go back to bed. I’m worried that the worst is yet to come and I don’t k ow if I have the strength to get through it. I feel so undesirable I don’t think I will ever find someone who wants to be with me. I feel lost today.
I’ve emptied my mind anyway. That’s a good thing, right?
The dreary morning has turned into a bright and sunny day. I heard a cuckoo this morning, the first one that I have heard since my childhood. It reminded me of being a child and Dad telling me about these birds.
So, with a deep breath and a resolute determination to enjoy my day, I’m going to leave my various anxieties on this page.