Brief interlude

I will get back to my summer update shortly. I’m currently on a train to Italy, music playing, periodically gazing at the majestic mountains, trees and rivers and desperately trying to ignore the annoying Austrian couple sat beside us.

A journey like this gives you time to think.

Without going into it too much – detail will be in my next post – this has been an awe-inspiring trip. I’ve done things I never thought I would do. My travel buddy and I get on like a house on fire, and with similar tastes, have thoroughly enjoyed our trip so far.

But. I’m not sure it’s really a but because I’m not sure how much I’m truly thinking or feeling this. Maybe it’s just a fleeting thought that I’m allowing myself to dwell on..

This trip has consolidated what I have known since Dad died. You’ve got to make the most of your life because you don’t know how long you’ve got it for. The experiences I have had this past week have added so much weight to that argument. I’ve loved every minute of expanding my world, my experience. I’ve read and sketched, visited museums and climbed mountains.

Is this enough?

I can’t even believe I’m saying this really. Like I said, it’s a fleeting thought really but one I need to process.

Tourists are a plenty where I am, and one thing I’ve noticed is that the whole world seems coupled up. Young couples, older couples with children, old couples. Sure there are some groups, but these consist of travelling teens usually.

I didn’t come here to meet someone – that’s not the purpose of this trip. But as we are two single women on holiday: I’m keeping an eye out.

I may as well not bother. The pool of eligible single men seems non existent. There aren’t any, it seems.

Which make me feel… Eurgh.

Do I really need someone? I’ve had a great time travelling without a man.

But it would be nice to share something like this with someone.

Maybe I am just reminiscent of my trips with my ex. We always enjoyed them.

I feel old and fat and unattractive. And lonely. A lonely spinster. Even though I’m not lonely as I’m with my friend. Romantically lonely then.

Could I continue like this, exploring the world and life with friends and family? Would this be enough? I’ve had my share of romance, love and heartache. I’ve got three beautiful children. Who says I have to meet someone? Society’s constructs dictate I should have a partner. Who says I do?

So that then just leaves the physical part of it.

Why can’t I just be someone who freely and knowingly enjoys physical intimacy for what it is. It’s a modern world, so many people do this now. Would this be enough for me? Would this fulfil whatever seems to be missing? Would anyone want me?

Is this what a midlife crisis feels like? Not quite a crisis but a disquieting thought which trickles through my mind.

As always, my motivation is to lead a good life and experience what I can, while I can. I’ll just have to let the fates decide whether that is as a single woman or not.

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