Two of my single friends have dabbled in the dating game recently, each with differing experiences.
One went online and almost immediately met a compatable match. Whilst admitting he is ‘not the usual type’ she goes for, they have completely hit it off. Two weeks of talking and a few dates later and they feel they have known each other forever.
The other is not as positive. Lots of chatting, lots of flirtation. Men openly complimenting her and apparently turned on by her. No meet-ups because they disappear and/or ghost after a few weeks.
In my attempt to console my friend on her on-going disappointment and frustration, I’ve come to the following conclusions.
(I’m going to sound like a feminist here. This is not my intention. Stick with it.)
I genuinely believe that there are men who go online to meet the love of their life. Equally, there are those that aren’t. Either way, I think most of them are swayed by their sexual impulses, even when they don’t realise it. Once they’ve had that perceived gratification, or even hit a dead end, they then move back on to their path to love.
I believe we are three parts. Our sexual, physical self who lusts after what we find appealing aesthetically.
Then there is our ‘personality’ self, our mind, who searches for the someone who matches our expectations, created through our cultural experiences and the environmental factors of our personal development.
Finally, there is our soul. That part of us which is seemingly unaffected by environmental or physical factors. The part of us that gels with someone without the need for sexual gratification, because that relationship can be of friendship. Its when you meet someone who just gets you, and you them.
I think the problem that most of us, is that we are looking for all three in a perfect package.
I’m not saying that person doesn’t exist. They do. In fact, I’m pretty sure there’s more than one.
I also think that there are many close fits. Think about the people you have gone out with. Are they similar? How?
I think we search for that perfect fit. I think we meet people that are physically perfect but don’t match in other ways. Once we have had our sexual gratification, the emptiness we feel from the other areas being incompatible means we move on quickly. When the physical compatability isn’t there, we become friends.
I think many people settle with a close fit. How long that relationship lasts depends on how close that fit is but also how strong our cultural conditioning is to make a relationship work. I think it also depends upon the influence of the other people we may meet in the future who may appear to be more compatible….
So how do we meet this perfect partner?
Well that depends on our circumstances. Do we spend our time in the open, doing the things we live and value? You’re more likely to meet that perfect someone in those situations, when you are at your lost happy and attractive and where you my meet someone with compatible interests.
It depends upon other factors in your life which may be weighing down on you spiritually, affecting your ability or desire to find that person.
It depends on your physical health and your sense of self worth. You will not pursue or perhaps even notice that perfect partner if you are consumed by self loathing or illness.
It depends upon your stage of life and culturally, what you think is expected of you. This may cloud your judgement and what you think you should be looking for.
Ultimately, I believe online dating is about luck. It’s about a numbers game. We allow our desire/physical self to decide upon whether someone I worth swiping right for. On occasion, our personality or mind may dee details on a profile that may influence our decision, based upon our cultural expectations of what the orfect partner will be – we may swipe right for perceived compatability, even when the physical connection is not as strong.
However, its only when our souls connect.. When all three elements align, do we truly feel that connection. I don’t believe for most people, online dating is the place to find this. Just the lucky few… Or those that are happy to settle with a near match… find the one online.