Is it me?

Written yesterday:

I’m trying to understand myself right now, and I’m struggling.

I’ve had contact from Wild Card today. A very, very brief video chat before he had to go out and then, as promised, messages later in the afternoon.

It isn’t enough today. Today I am craving his face and his voice and his laughter. And of course, because I’m not getting it, I’m starting to get anxious. Again. I cut the video chat short yesterday when he called, and he messaged me both in the early evening and in response to my very late night message.

What more do I want from him?!

I’m being needy and clingy and I need to snap out of it.

He is contacting me/we are in contact every day, often more than once. It’s just that over the last few days, video chats have been shorter. My renewed low self esteem is clinging on to that. My imagination has worked out exactly what’s going on and me being hurt is figuring quite highly.

************************************

The morning after:

As I was writing this, he called. Again it was brief but at least he called.

I was appeased for a little while but spent the afternoon second guessing myself.

I think it’s pretty clear I like this man and probably more than is wise.

Later he text me asking how I was.

And then in the evening, he initiated video chat again, again only briefly, but to show me he was with his family and his visiting sister in law.

I questioned why he couldn’t speak to me when he was with them, even though I sort of knew the answer – ‘respect’.

Culturally, we are different, and it feels almost clandestine when he does this – like he’s secretly initiating me into a new world.

I don’t dislike that though. There’s something sweet about him trying to include me whilst respecting his own family and culture.

His effect on me in palpable: my body feels it when he’s not around. That is a dangerous situation to be in.

Is it just because I’m physically attracted to him? Craving intimacy, love and affection? Is it my ego needing the boost he gives me every time he calls? I’m addicted to that feeling now.

That’s my romantic self. The one who wants the fairytale. Don’t be mistaken, the independent sensible side of me is still very cautious and wary. I guess part of my internal turmoil is that I want that part of me to be wrong. As yet, it is unknown.

So yes, in answer to the question, it definitely is me.

2 thoughts on “Is it me?

  1. Spend some time learning his culture! It’s a win win. You will be occupied doing something interesting, and knowledge is never acquired without gain. Even if it doesn’t work out, you’ll find the knowledge of the culture helpful or fun in some other way. If it does work out, you’ll have a headstart.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I must admit, I started this last night. It was eye opening! I understand a little more and when I told him he seemed impressed. It’s so interesting – how just where you are born means you have different perceptions of something. Hopefully it will help me to relax a bit more again.

      Like

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