Raising the red flags.

Whilst I’d been relatively happy with Wild Card’s apology, explanation and discussion following his jealous outburst on Saturday, comments left by some of you did hit home. I’ve been thinking quite a bit about it and I’ve decided that for every slushy thing I write, I’m going to temper it with a reality check which will be written in brackets.

He continues to video chat each day. (of course he does, he wants you captivated – doesn’t he?) Sunday, he was really sweet and I again felt we had a good conversation (he’s making up for his jealous outburst on Saturday).

Yesterday was pretty interesting. We had brief texts in the morning and then again in the evening. I wasn’t myself – I’d started to put Christmas decorations up and had found some items which reminded me of my Dad. Next minute he was video-calling me. He was eating his dinner with his family – in the weeks I have known him, he has always ended a call before eats, naturally. (Did he think I was being off with him?)

He asked how I was, and then started to make me laugh. He asked me to say his name – apparently when I’m being indignant, as in when he is teasing me, I use a particular tone that he likes and finds funny. He kept asking me to do it.

He asked about the decorations and then asked again if I was OK. I explained about my Dad. We talked for a little longer, whilst he was attempting to eat. He again made me laugh and kept checking if I was OK and was I alright now, before eventually he went to finish his dinner. It was sweet. (what can I say that’s bad about that??)

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I swear that man knows when I’m writing about him negatively.

He’s just called. Again, an enjoyable chat whilst he drank tea with his family. His mum wanted to see my Christmas decorations.

I just don’t know anymore. I’m second guessing/over analysing everything now. I may have been doing that all along, actually, but it feels worse now.

Why do I like him? Am I really that shallow that it is because of his looks? (my goodness he is delicious.) Is it because of the way he makes me laugh? Is it because of the way he makes me feel?

I can’t do this. I don’t believe all the negative things I’m writing but neither do I entirely trust all the positive.

My sister can’t understand how I can like both equally. She said ‘they’re so different’ so how can I feel the same?

I have no idea.

They are very different. But they both make me laugh, have both shown kindness. Have both been complimentary and constant. They both have things about them that make me feel insecure at times, but that’s as much me as them.