5.55am

I woke up at 5.30am this morning, again. Not sure why. I’m getting between 5 and 6 hours sleep a night. There are bags under my eyes. I’m hoping that when school closes in one week I will be more inclined to sleep in.

Yesterday morning at 9am I got a response from Second.

‘Good morning, sorry I didn’t say goodnight last night’

He got a gold star for that one. I’d have been happy with ‘good morning’. Although, saying that, after the ‘we are not serious ‘ performance, I have discovered my feelings have retreated back behind the self preservation barrier.

Once his children went back to their mother mid afternoon, he was very attentive as usual. I got a phonecall and a video call.

I’m still not sure he is emotionally available. Despite this renewed attention, he reminded me again that when he goes home in just over a week’s time, he will be quieter. I acknowledged that again with understanding.

The proof will still be in whether we meet on the 17th as planned. There’s been no mention of that this week. He’s got another four nights child free so, again, I think I will know better by Friday.

Wild Card on the other hand, well he is being as attentive as ever. Perhaps more so, even. More recently, his video calls have come at times when he is with his family. Yesterday, he had taken them all out on a drive to a town about an hour away for a walk. He video called me and took me with them for ten minutes, showing me the beautiful streets. That was cute.

I’m more certain than ever that he does like me. Those red flags, previously discussed, are still there. But I am aware of them now and will continue to play this slowly.

I feel less guilty following Second’s, ‘if you meet a nice guy then it’s fair game ‘ comment. Although twice yesterday when I was on the phone to him, Wild Card called. The first time I ended the call – at his suggestion – to answer Wild Card. The second time I didn’t. They’ve never crossed over so much as this and it was not an easy situation.

Whose call more important?

Second’s insecurity-inspiring behaviour this weekend has made me more cautious around him. Time will tell I suppose.

I do know that I’m not comfortable with this going on much longer but I figure mid January will be the decision deadline.

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