Falling

It’s been five days since my last update on Second. Maybe that says something.

When I last posted about him, he had called me on sunday after dropping his kids off. We had three, long conversations on the phone and it felt like things had gone back to normal. He told me that he would call me on Tuesday as he drove to his parents’ house – a long drive by all accounts.

He surprised me though by texting once he had landed on Monday evening and then by a phonecall as he had paused for a break from his driving. However, when my son interrupted the call he apologised saying he had forgotten that I would have my children. I said it didn’t matter – my daughter was in the room and knew I was on the phone to him – so we spoke for a few more minutes before I said I should let him go then.

“Oh, OK then.” He said it with surprise, like he would have carried on talking. I was so confused! I couldn’t back track so we ended the call.

He didn’t call Tuesday as he had originally suggested he would, but at 10pm when it had turned into Christmas Day where he was, I sent him a voice message wishing him Merry Christmas and hoped he had a lovely time with his family.

Nearly two hours later he replied saying thank you, he was tired after long journeys and busy days and that he would message me the next day.

Which he did. I got a Merry Christmas in the morning and a photo of him and his Dad. I wished him a good day and then there was radio silence… Until I sent him a photo of myself – to return the favour of course – once I had put make up on and done my hair. He saw it but didn’t respond for another five hours. (Yes you read right) He complimented my hair, asked about my day and had I had a good time etc. Shortly after he said he was going to bed.

The next day was my walk with my friend and as I thought one of her gifts was funny and pertinent to a conversation I’d had with him, I decided to send him a picture of it. He replied, short and sweet, but fine.

Again, hours later he sent me a sweet little Christmas video. I sent him some pictures of my walk. He sent me pictures of what he was doing. Chit chat, and then silence.

Four hours after that he sent me a text saying he was sat outside looking at the stars. He then told me he was lonely. I asked a few questions: Asked if he was alright, but he said he was and he was with his uncle. I told him I was always there if he wanted to talk and he thanked me and said he just missed someone to cuddle. I sent him loads of cuddle emojis and he asked about my joke present then went quiet again.

An hour and half later and at 1am where he was, he sent a text asking if I was still awake. Unfortunately, I didn’t see it until 10 minutes after he’d sent it and although I replied, I knew he was probably asleep. Turns out he was.

This morning when I woke I checked my phone and he had just been online. He’d seen my reply but hadn’t bothered to text me back. I waited an hour and a half then sent a simple ‘are you OK?’ He replied quickly, saying yes, asked how I was and said he’d fallen asleep before I had replied. I said I’d guessed as much. Nothing since.

Yes, yes, I know, he said he would be really busy. He must have told me five times. And he has messaged me. But the hard thing is, whilst I knew he would not be messaging me all the time, I didn’t expect the delays in replying particularly when he has already read the message or the fact that at times he has been online but not messaged me. It’s stinging, I will admit it.

I’m trying to do as I promised. I’m texting less so that he can be with his family. I’ve touched base a couple of times. And I do miss talking to him. I’m surprised at how much.

I have a feeling he was probably a little drunk last night. Part of me is touched that he reached out to me when he felt lonely and that I was the last person he messaged before he fell asleep. But… Part of me wonders if that is all I am to him. A distraction when he needs one.

My feelings are falling away. I hate not knowing where I stand and as I over analyse everything and have the self esteem of a hedgehog, this few weeks are not doing me good.

I wonder whether this is contributing to my growing feelings for Wild Card – ever there, ever attentive. Equally though, it’s adding to my fear factor – a few weeks ago I liked them pretty equally and selfishly wanted both (for now) to act as a buffer to the rejection I was sure I would get from one at some point.

I don’t know what to make of it. He’s doing what he said he would. I’m falling for Wild Card. What’s my problem? Is it my ego? My self esteem? Fear?

All I know for sure, is that it’s just making me a little sad, that’s all.