Can you actually do that? I’m going to try.
As is often the way when I write on here, the minute I had posted ‘Falling’ I came off WordPress to see that I’d had a message from Second.
We had a decent text chat and he messaged me again a few hour later before bed. He told me he was out for the day the next day and would have no WiFi but promised pictures when he got home.
He stuck to his word. He sent me beautiful pictures of his destination and then a film montage of him and his family. We chatted until he was too tired to do anything but sleep.
OK, I will admit it, my heart panged a little. What’s made it worse, that despite my perceptions that things have changed, when I checked my phone he has actually been in contact every day since he went home. I didn’t think he had. And I certainly hadn’t expected him to. Sure, the conversations are much shorter, but honestly, what else do I want from him??? He has been in contact every day since flying home, to spend Christmas with his family for the first time in ten years, and since he split with his wife. I feel like an absolute selfish mare.
Naturally, because that’s just the way I am, my head went into overdrive. Thinking, analysing, processing. Add tiredness, a week of much more alcohol than normal and my period and you can imagine the result.
Luckily for me but not for her, my sister chose to call at that point. Saying that, I’m not sure how much she helped. She said she sensed that I was more into Wild Card now and that she felt sorry for Second. She said that she had thought I was really into him and that Wild Card was the distraction. 😕
We tried to pin point when things changed.
It’s when he came home, ironically. It’s from the ‘this isn’t serious, we haven’t met yet, I’m taking it slowly don’t push me’ message he gave me, when I questioned him for suggesting I find someone else. Read it here.
This time coincided with Wild Card seemingly ‘upping his game’. Or maybe I took on board what Second had said, that if ‘another nice man came along it was fair game’. Things with Wild Card have certainly intensified.
I’ve resolved myself to try to take a step back. I haven’t met them yet!!!! They’re nothing more than sexy, attentive, online penpals. I need to calm down.
Am I doing wrong? I feel like I am, still. But I have no real evidence that neither one isn’t doing the same thing.
It’s a mess. No, sexy penpals, that’s all. Pause the fall.