Pausing the fall

Can you actually do that? I’m going to try.

As is often the way when I write on here, the minute I had posted ‘Falling’ I came off WordPress to see that I’d had a message from Second.

We had a decent text chat and he messaged me again a few hour later before bed. He told me he was out for the day the next day and would have no WiFi but promised pictures when he got home.

He stuck to his word. He sent me beautiful pictures of his destination and then a film montage of him and his family. We chatted until he was too tired to do anything but sleep.

OK, I will admit it, my heart panged a little. What’s made it worse, that despite my perceptions that things have changed, when I checked my phone he has actually been in contact every day since he went home. I didn’t think he had. And I certainly hadn’t expected him to. Sure, the conversations are much shorter, but honestly, what else do I want from him??? He has been in contact every day since flying home, to spend Christmas with his family for the first time in ten years, and since he split with his wife. I feel like an absolute selfish mare.

Naturally, because that’s just the way I am, my head went into overdrive. Thinking, analysing, processing. Add tiredness, a week of much more alcohol than normal and my period and you can imagine the result.

Luckily for me but not for her, my sister chose to call at that point. Saying that, I’m not sure how much she helped. She said she sensed that I was more into Wild Card now and that she felt sorry for Second. She said that she had thought I was really into him and that Wild Card was the distraction. 😕

We tried to pin point when things changed.

It’s when he came home, ironically. It’s from the ‘this isn’t serious, we haven’t met yet, I’m taking it slowly don’t push me’ message he gave me, when I questioned him for suggesting I find someone else. Read it here.

This time coincided with Wild Card seemingly ‘upping his game’. Or maybe I took on board what Second had said, that if ‘another nice man came along it was fair game’. Things with Wild Card have certainly intensified.

I’ve resolved myself to try to take a step back. I haven’t met them yet!!!! They’re nothing more than sexy, attentive, online penpals. I need to calm down.

Am I doing wrong? I feel like I am, still. But I have no real evidence that neither one isn’t doing the same thing.

It’s a mess. No, sexy penpals, that’s all. Pause the fall.

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9 thoughts on “Pausing the fall

  1. I think for some reason you are REALLY holding on to Second, for what reason I don’t know. Like I told you before, I’ve been kind of following your story for a while and it’s really interesting story to read because I have been in your situation in the past. I think your friend knows as I do, that Wild Card IS the better choice just based on what Second has said and his behavior – when someone tells you “it’s okay if someone else nice comes along to date them” is NEVER a good sign because the same would apply to him as if he is just holding you as a placeholder. Is Second better looking? Are there doubts with Wild Card? Just some things to think about as you navigate this, either way I am in your corner rooting for you that you find love with one of them. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The opposite really. Wild Card is…. Beautiful. Sexy. Jaw dropping. Scarily, my type. And that’s the problem, it scares me. I’m scared of my growing feelings for him. The way he looks at me. Like I said, self esteem of a hedgehog.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Pulling away from your self-esteem issues is a MUST because you will always question him in secret, like “Why does this guy like ME so much?” I know I have been dealing with the same thing because my guy is so handsome – puerto rican and italian how could he not be?? lol Don’t let your fear sway you from such a beautiful thing/relationship. But you’re definitely being smart about it because this is all online so far – when it becomes real that’s when things should really be evaluated. Rooting for you!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You’re right, that’s exactly what I think. But then he smiles at me a certain way, or the look he gives when he makes me laugh and I know it’s not fake.. Your man sounds equally delicious. Congrats! Well it’s seven weeks til we are meant to meet. I will have to see how it goes. I think the three video chats a day day something… Thanks for your advice, always welcome!!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Haha, he is totally delicious, and I always have to check myself when I ask myself, “Why Me?” But I am glad you find his smiles and attention genuine – so many are faking it all over the place online it’s usually so disheartening and so hard to tell. Three video chats a day? WOW. That’s really some attention! Seven weeks is a bit away – so just play with Second and see how it goes. The best advice would be to choose one of them but to be honest in my experience, since its all online right now its best to keep your options open and you’re doing the right thing right now – just let go of some of that overthinking and analazing especially with Second because he seems like HE’S the one who wants HIS options open – or well it seems that way.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Definitely need to stop the over analysing. Sexy penpals is my new motto. 😊 I’m going to keep on as I am for now, just try to enjoy and keep my feelings in check. I think you’re right about Second too which is why I pulled away…

        Liked by 1 person

  2. It’s odd ustome, the “Leave a Reply” option isn’t visible on the “brakes are failing” post so I am just going to leave my comment here. I think you know it’s wrong to keep entertaining Second as things are getting more intense with Wild Card. You can’t possibly expect to meet Second in less than two weeks BEFORE meeting Wild Card, can you? It’s wrong, it’s really wrong, and forgive me for being harsh, but someone’s feelings are going to get really hurt, FAST. I wouldn’t even say that if things were just casual with Wild Card, but you both seem to be more invested on a deeper level lately. Just be careful, I know any decision you make will be the right one. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re not being harsh at all. You’re absolutely right. Things have moved to a much deeper level with Wild Card and the last week has shown me that he feels the same way too – I think this is what I was waiting for. So, yes, I need to do the right thing x

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