The brakes are failing

I’m trying very, very hard to pause. I promise you I am. Promise.

The problem is, they’re not making it easy for me. At. All.

Wild Card is just… Dreamy. I don’t know what else to say. Since Christmas, he’s taken to calling me on his lunch, on his way home from work and then at night. And I eagerly anticipate every single call. Pathetic, hey?

New Year’s Eve was the only time where our chats were more brief. He called on his lunch but then I didn’t get any contact when he finished work. He then called on his way out. I was with my family, he was on the way to his. It was short but sweet. Sure, it quelled the pangs for the rest of the night but I missed him. He messaged me after midnight and said we would speak the next day.

I will admit, I used all my feminine wiles yesterday. It was New Year’s Day so I had an excuse to get dressed up and look nice but I was very conscious that he was going to call and I was planning to use the occasion as an excuse…

My hair was still quite wavy and styled from the night before. I added a little more eyeliner than usual but more in shaping my eyes rather than thickening the line. I put a neutral lipstick on. Then there was that top.

You know which one I mean. The one you always feel good in and wish you had an excuse to wear more often. Mine is a black, slightly glittery, deep V neck and V backed jumper. It dips just the right amount, slides slightly off my shoulders and fits and skims perfectly over my body. I knew what I was doing when I put it on.

Luckily for me, he called just as I had finished getting ready and was in the middle of making a morning coffee. His reaction to my appearance was exactly as I would have hoped. He said how beautiful I looked and he loved my hair and my eyes…

In fact, he was really affectionate throughout the conversation and again at night when he called once my family had gone home. And let’s just say, we’ve both discovered that facial expression where you look at each other and know you’re thinking (or wishing) for the same thing. So hot. Yup, brakes are failing big time.

This evening’s conversation was equally lovely. We talked about my work, my daughters’ up and coming exams and his surprise that I am painting my living room tomorrow. He found that very amusing and said he wants to watch. He then listed all my ‘skills’ and asked me what else I could do. We sang together, him putting on a silly voice, and we had the usual laughing and giggling on my part. And then it got a bit serious, just out of the blue.

He asked why I liked him, his face straight and sincere. He asked about my thoughts on the future (although he didn’t say that word and it took me a while to understand), is this what I wanted? He then said, ‘I just want you to be happy. Whatever you want, me or not, I want you to be happy’. Woah.

I told him that he made me happy, and that I was happy with the way things were but I was looking forward to meeting him in six weeks time. I then asked if he was happy with the situation and he said he was. He checked I was OK and not upset (admittedly the rapid change in conversation had altered my smile to a concern, as I wondered where this was coming from) before telling me to think of him as he left to get his dinner.

What can I say to that? It appears he has moments of insecurity as much as I do. And, I think his brakes are failing as much as mine are. We both know this might not work. We’ve acknowledged that when we meet we may feel differently. But I sense that both of us are feeling things, the more that time goes on.

You’ve got to take risks in life and he is a risk I’m willing to take. There’s still six weeks left, still time for things to change. End, even. But I hope from the bottom of my heart they don’t. I want to meet him. And even if, when we meet, there’s no romance or no promise of a future together, I still know that I will enjoy his company and the adventure it will be.

I don’t know if you noticed but I said, ‘they’re not making it easy for me.’

This morning, I had resolved to cut ties with Second. I didn’t know how I was to do it, but I feel more and more that meeting him in just over two weeks time isn’t right. Even though part of me still wants to.

So, of course, because I’d made that decision, he somehow becomes Mr Attentive. I got a phonecall this morning and then a prolonged text chat this evening. It felt like it was back to normal again.

I like the man. I enjoy talking to him. I wonder what might have been and think about when he was my focus and Wild Card was just my distraction – my flirtation – to keep me and my newly-resurrected feelings grounded. Oh how things have changed.

I don’t want to hedge my bets anymore. It’s feeling more and more dishonest.

Damn you, faulty brakes and unleashed feelings.