It’s 3.30am and I’ve been awake just under half an hour. My stomach is churning and I feel like I’m burning up. I’m coming out of a gluten induced sleep and I feel lousy. That’s not the only reason though.
Yesterday morning I ended my conversations with Second. It’s hurt all day. I don’t understand myself.
I’d decided that it was the right thing to do. That I could not keep doing what I was doing. Even if it was just online. Even if I hadn’t met them both yet.
Having spoken to a few friends and family now, I’m sure you who may be reading this are as divided as they are.
A couple of my friends think I’ve done the wrong thing as I haven’t met either of them yet. They think I was seeing too much into it and that I should have allowed myself to meet both before even making a decision. Sexy penpals, remember? So why was I feeling so guilty then?
One of my sisters, my brother in law and one of my trusted friends think I’ve done the right thing. That it is clear that my feelings for Wild Card have grown stronger and that it was unfair on both to carry on talking to each of them. They think I’m giving Wild Card my best shot, now that I’m being honest with him. Whilst they are still advising caution, which I completely understand and agree with, they believe this was the only way forward.
And then there are the few that think I shouldn’t have ended it with Second. That whilst he may not have been as passionate as Wild Card, his steady consistency was something. That once, I ‘glowed’ when I spoke about him. These are the same people that wholly mistrust Wild Card. They think I should be suspicious of him, for no other reason that I can see than his nationality. They see this as doomed already. It can’t go anywhere. We can’t possibly have feelings for each other.
I told Second the truth up to the point of Wild Card. Which says something in itself. I told him that I felt like things had changed, that I had wanted more than him and that I was going to get hurt. I referenced the conversation from early December which had made me take a step back (probably rightly so).
In his own way, he showed his hurt that we wouldn’t meet. I can even go as far to say, that in his own way, he tried to show me that he does have some feelings for me. But that’s it. He didn’t deny anything else I said. Rather he felt like there was nothing he could say that would change my mind. He wished me well.
I spent the day churning all this round in my head. Feeling I’d done the right thing but missing him anyway. Sad that we wouldn’t be in contact anymore or even friends. Sorry that I may have hurt him. Scared he might hate me. I’ve read over the text conversation with him a few times. And I get a different understanding from it each time I do. I’ve nearly reached out to him a couple of times but have stopped myself. What good can come of it now?
One friend said that ultimately, only I can known of I’ve done the right thing. How true. It’s only me who has been talking to both of them.
Whether they had or have feelings for me or not… Whether I am right or wrong to even believe they should have at this stage… My conscience was burning. It didn’t feel right. The closer I got to meeting Second, I knew that I would hate myself for lying to Wild Card whilst I went on the date. And for all of Second’s ‘if a nice guy comes along, it’s fair game’ comment, I would have felt the same about him when I went to visit Wild Card. Once I started to get feelings, no matter how ridiculous you think they may be, I knew this had to stop.
I’ve chosen Wild Card, as my friend quite bluntly said it. I have flashes of self-titled stupidity, moments when I distrust him and our supposed feelings. When I allow myself to dwell, just for a moment, on the negativity of others and consider that this may all be a lie. That my own, apparently deep-seated need for affection is clouding my judgement.
But he has done nothing wrong! He has shown me consistent attention and care. There are no signs that he wants me for anything other than wantingto meet me and get to know me more. And believe me, I have over analysed every moment to be sure. He’s a different man than Second, much more willing to share and state thoughts and feelings. Like me though, he is conscious that this may not work out when we meet. That either one of us may feel differently. He acknowledges that this will never be easy but wants to try anyway.
Talking to him makes me happy. Putting aside my own natural tendancy to be insecure, the only negative thoughts I’ve had about him have come from other people. I know we are right at the beginning. I know this can go wrong at any point. I know I need to be cautious. But talking to him makes me happy.
So, I’m sad but I have a clearer conscience now: I’m being more true to myself and who I am. I’m cautious and realistic about my future but I am allowing myself to pursue whatever this is with Wild Card.