Kissing the giggles

I know I shouldn’t be, but I’ve been low the last few days. Not myself.

I’m a good person. I don’t like hurting people. I’m not proud of my recent behaviour. Will you believe me when I say, I honestly thought that Second wouldn’t be hurt? Not really. But in hurting him now, ever so slightly, I’ve prevented hurting someone else.

My fear consumes my happiness. I’m too scared to allow myself to be happy. To scared that I am wrong and they are right. Even though they don’t know him. Even though they’ve never spoken to him. Even though they’ve never seen the look in his eyes or the care in his heart. If it exists.

And because I value the opinion of those I care about, the reactions of some – to what I have done and am going to do – have started to play on my mind. Doubt, pure doubt. It doesn’t matter that they are basing their judgements and prejudice on a faceless name, a bias. Those thoughts worm themselves into my brain and pollute. What if I’m wrong? Blind? Gullable? What if, like with Lost Soul, I’m reading this all wrong?

It starts as always and that’s fine by me. It’s a familiar pattern now, of words and glances, smiles and looks.

He comments on my tiredness though… Once, twice. I know I don’t look good. I move my head, my hair, my position. But today, no angle is making me shine. My face and mind and soul are tired today.

He starts to eat and I start to leave but he says, ‘no, you’re going?’ and I say, ‘I don’t want to but you’re having your dinner.’

We talk some more. And then he leans towards the camera and sends me a kiss. Although, this time, he does it again and again moving his face as if he is moving his lips around my own.

This is what I will do when I see you. I will kiss you here and here,’ as he kisses each virtual cheek and at first I think it is a European custom but then he continues, ‘and here and here’ as he kisses my forehead and my lips, ‘and then like this’ and suddenly his kisses are frantic, and placed all over my virtual face.

Just like I do with my children when I am giving them my love and making them laugh… Kissing every inch of their face as quickly as I can, kissing the giggles out of them.

Suddenly, everything is alright again. That one gesture, one suggestion, is enough.

4 thoughts on “Kissing the giggles

  1. Hey, there ustome!
    No idea why I can’t comment on your most recent post, it’s so weird! Maybe it’s my screen or something? I don’t know. But I want to comment on all the anxiety, the second-guessing, Hell all the panicking you are doing – waiting for a text/call, whether you think he’s really into to you, all the waiting and wondering and of course your belief that you’re sabotaging it and he’ll go running for the hills. First of all, relax, this boy isn’t running for the hills – it is absolutely natural you are feeling these things with all the bullshit you’ve gone through with some of your exes. Coming from me, I’ve had the “I’m in love but not IN love with you” nonsense thrown my way, so girl, I know.

    I think you may be rethinking things, only because of your run-in with second earlier in the week. That seemed to have rattled you a bit. So be kind to yourself, and try your hardest to focus on Wild Card. I suggest you enjoy the moments, the feelings and everything involved. Most of all, TAKE him up on his offer to call you anytime. That’s big for guys to say so I would take him up on it.

    Either way, things sound good, so just keep at it!

    Like

    1. I don’t know why you can’t comment either! But I’m glad you have. Thanks for your reassurance and I think you’re right. It’s just me and my silly thoughts. I am enjoying him, I do think about him – a lot. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

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