Battle of the baggage.

I am in a good place at the moment. I am. But I forget that not so long ago, I had anxiety and mild depression. I need to keep remembering that and give myself a break.

I had contact from Second earlier in the week. What started out as a ‘hello, how are you’ soon turned into a ‘are you OK with your decision not to meet me’. With one text he would outline his desire to have met me, the next that I had made the right choice and I could do better than him. It was confusing. I got the sense he was waiting for me to say something. I clearly didn’t say it, whatever it was. The conversation ended as abruptly as it started. What he did say was that he didn’t understand why I had felt insecure (which was the reason I took a step back and allowed things to develop with Wild Card).

That has resonated with me, particularly today. I did feel insecure in his intentions. Whilst I acknowledged the frequency of his attention (which must have meant something) the quality changed. I qualified that with his personal life at that time, and yet I still couldn’t help feeling that he was not ready for anything more than what we had. Have his messages confirmed that? I know he liked me and I know he was interested. So have my insecurity and anxiety tainted my understanding? In the end it doesn’t matter. Whether it was me or him or both, things developed with Wild Card regardless and I couldn’t carry on.

However, my anxiety has peaked a few times this week with Wild Card and I don’t know whether it’s me or him. My sister thinks it’s me.

So what has he done wrong? Not much really.

Monday evening, I pathetically tried to busy myself as I waited for him to contact me. I didn’t want to contact first because I don’t want to come across as clingy. What the? I know how stupid that sounds as I write it. When he finally did text me he wasn’t happy because he had been waiting for me to text and ask how he was (he has been really ill) and I hadn’t. He said that the evening was ‘our time’ and I could message when I want. If he was busy, he would get in touch as soon as he could, so where was the problem? Oddly, I felt reassured.  No silly game playing needed. Just message him when I want to.

The next night was equally good with a lengthy conversation which involved me asking him some long awaited questions. He answered honestly and intelligently and I felt secure and happy with his responses. I was really happy as the call ended.

The next night didn’t go so well. I was tired after a 12 hour day in work. Our chat started off OK but then we ended up talking about the break down of my marriage. I just couldn’t get him to understand, I couldn’t explain it right, and it left me frustrated and him suspicious that I was hiding something. The call ended on a ‘meh’ but he text me immediately after which made me feel better. I attempted to give a written explanation which he appeared happier with and it hasn’t been mentioned since.

The fact is, everytime I get anxious about him and stew in my doubt and insecurity, he always calls or texts or shows me affection and then I feel stupid. Yesterday I got all worked up because he didn’t call when I thought he was going to but he called later on, oblivious. When I pointed it out, he was surprised, hadn’t realised there was an issue, but then was apologetic. He messaged and called me again in the evening but I was in the bath. After a brief chat, he left me to it. After I got out, and as I applied my various creams and potions, I considered whether to call him back. I didn’t. At one point, looking at the time, I thought about just texting him goodnight. Again, I didn’t. Don’t ask me why, particularly when he has told me to text when I want. Eventually I checked my phone and he had actually text me goodnight.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I can’t even remember if this is normal for me, even without the extenuating circumstances. I know that if I’m not careful, my behaviour is going to ruin things. It’s like Lost Soul over again, which has got me thinking whether I was to blame for that one too. No, I wasn’t, but I didn’t help.

Whether we like it or not, we carry the baggage of our past relationships round with us.

My first, serious relationship involved a man that I completely adored. We would be inseparable for a couple of months and then out of the blue, he would end it claiming that he didn’t actually love me at all. He destroyed me quite a few times – I was in my late teens to be fair – but eventually he chipped away my feelings for him and I ended it after three years and an engagement. He stalked me for eighteen months. As in, repeatedly visited my work place, looking for my car in the car park even when I was hiding in the back.

My next relationship was similar I suppose. Earth shatteringly intense but I wasn’t in love. There was a surprising break up from him, then an apology and a resurrection and then we mutually ended it and few weeks later.

So, there’s a pattern already. Men who break up with me when I don’t expect it and then they come back.

My husband. Well, he let me down a lot. Lied. Didn’t put me first. Wasn’t an equal, a partner. I knew he loved me but as time went on it was shown less and less. No intimacy or affection and more and more lies. He didn’t fight to save us, despite his protestations of love. We had a separation and then got back together. It didn’t work.

Lost Soul. He played with me. Pulled me in and pushed me away. Confused me, made me doubt everything that I felt and thought.

Goodness, is it any surprise that I am like this?

I just don’t know how to combat it. I need to trust and have faith, but how do you do that when you’ve been hurt? It’s taken me three years to consider dating again and clearly I still have the hang ups I’ve always had.

I’m so scared of looking stupid, so scared of being made a fool. Again. You’ve got to trust someone with your heart to fall in love. Without trust, you can’t have a relationship. I’m not even near that stage yet and I’m already panicking. I can’t help but see the bad in every subtle change and picture an eventuality where I’m hurt and foolish. I’m doing it right now.

I don’t have any answers to this. I know I’ve got to be positive, just enjoy it for what it is now and have faith that what will be, will be. I don’t know what else I can do. It’s a battle, but whether it’s with Wild Card or another man in my future, I can’t succeed unless I fight my insecurities.