‘What news?’

I’m sorry if I’m coming across all negative at the moment. My posts can’t be that enjoyable to read. But they’re cathartic and that’s what I need.

Due to the unwarranted negativity I’ve had about Wild Card and this… whatever it is… I’ve become reluctant to talk about him to my friends. This creates its own problems as they think I’m hiding something – I’m not. My sisters remain my trusted sounding board in which I have promised that I will hide nothing from them. Although apparently he is all I will talk about. Blush and shrug.

Interestingly, I had a brief conversation with one of my close friends who was particularly scathing when I told her I had said goodbye to Second. She had been very negative about the whole situation, particularly about Wild Card and was almost bitter. When we spoke yesterday though, she admitted that she had in fact mirrored her own situation on to mine – someone she was very interested in online ended the conversations because someone else had come along. I knew she hadn’t got over it but it was clear why she’d reacted so badly to what had happened with Second – she was Second in her own situation, even down to her/him touching base after a few days to see how everything stood. It made her overwhelming negativity towards Wild Card more understable but I’m am still very cautious in telling her anything now. As my sisters say (and herself actually), she is quite a negative person at the best of times, particularly when it comes to relationships.

So, with that, I’m trying to self regulate my anxieties now. On my way to my appointment this morning, when some doubts and fears started to creep in, I loudly told myself to “stop being ridiculous and that we had been on the phone for nearly two hours last night.” What more did I want?

Yes, one hour fifty minutes to be exact. I guess we were making up for the reduced conversations over the weekend. Lots of laughing, lots of talking. It didn’t feel like two hours and I didn’t want it to end when it did – it only ended because three people tried to get hold of me whilst we were talking and he told me to answer the phone.

As we had talked about my son’s birthday, I then sent him a picture of my son blowing out the candle on his cake which he responded really sweetly too. The advice I’ve read about this type of relationship /situation advises to keep them involved in every day life and to send regular pictures etc. He does to me and I’ve started to do so to him. He clearly likes that and I need to do more.

It’s hard to know what to talk about sometimes. This is such a different situation to any other I have experienced. I know I need to work on my own conversation starters and consider that he might actually want to hear about the mediocrities of my life when he asks, ‘what news?’ every day. I don’t know whether it’s because I spend all day talking but I’m not the best at starting conversations.

I’m hoping though that he’s a firm believer in the following, just like I am…

Actions speak louder than words.

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